So, yeah, I've been going a little buggy lately. Whether its that Mercury is in retrograde or that I'm just overdue for a meltdown, I've been deep in it for the past few weeks. I've been having career problems, personal strife with old friends, annoying battles of will with my body and oh so much more, I've been a total basket case lately. I even forgot my closest sister's birthday. What an asshole I am!
I'm going home to Texas for a week, the place I was born, and am allergic to the environment there, its fucking me up, and it will kill my sinuses, for sure. The wounded inner child in me is bubbling with anxiety. Hoping I don't have another fight with my mom over her lack of filtering insanity. Hoping I don't run into my ex best friend who will be in town at the same time as me. That's so annoying! Hoping I survive Thanksgiving dinner without saying anything too terrible to my nasty plastic aunt and my horrible uncle cunt. Hoping my friends are happy to see me if only for the short time I come to visit every year. Hoping my escape doesn't harbor resentment. Hoping, hoping, hoping, that when I come back I have energy to make some real changes in my real life. I try not to use my blog for a rage outlet but what else can I say right now, the cosmos have been draining.
It's all around everywhere and its inescapable. Where's the light at the end of the underground blackout? Well, I recently saw one of the greatest rock bands that ever was, Modest Mouse, and they were awesome. Also, I went on a date with a guy that I have real commonalities with and that was unexpected and kind of cool for a change. I'll try not to be hopeful, but it was nice. Also, I found a congregation that matches my spirituality perfectly and I got to share it with my dear friend whom I adore. We went to Shabbat services and we're going to go back on a regular basis and I know that will actually happen. It's just too bad that I feel like I could crawl out of my own skin at any moment. I've prayed and meditated, but I cannot change the alignment of the planets. Some people are trying to put some added stress on me and I don't need it right now. These people need to understand that Sorry Busy Take Care is REAL!
On another positive and slightly negative note, I did have a sit down with my boss's boss and it was somewhat productive, at least I was able to speak my mind about things. Don't know if anything good can come of it besides a clearing space in my conscious, but at the very least, that's something. In that sit down, I found out that I have been wasting a year of my life stagnating and so at least I put an end to that. I now have to make steps for major changes. When I return from Texas, I will focus my energies on changing my job within the company or getting out while I'm not totally bitter about it.
When it rains, its pours, a shit storm. Is it all cosmic or is it that things really do suck and this cosmic event makes light of a bad situation? I have believe that all this crap is going to lead to a remedy. If only I could stop myself from these feelings of disappointment and regret. Please, I pray, give me the strength, to look at people I can't tolerate and say "thanks anyway, you suck, but I'm still cool."
Thanks for the good things. Thanks for Modest Mouse and good music in general. Thanks for my amazing friends here that will step in to take care of my beloved feline. Thanks for my two working legs. Thanks for my brain which I could have lost a long time ago. Thanks for the will to live. Thanks for water, wood, contact lenses, herb, tacos and good sushi. Thanks for partly cloudy skies, beautiful boots and soft cotton duvet covers. Thanks for my awesome apartment and roommate. Thanks for letting me live in NYC, the place of my dreams and thanks for giving me hope that all this bullshit will be gone soon!
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