One of my myspace buddies turned me on to this recording of the William S. Burroughs's: "A Thanksgiving Prayer".
It got me to thinking and its strange how my "tricky mind" works, but, It got me to pondering, maybe I should just apply to rabbinical school and see what happens? I love to write poetry, give advise, be heroic and I love love love Judaism. Some of my closest friends know that I've always wanted to be rabbinical scholar, but I was always torn between my love of music and partying and my deep rooted Jewish spirituality. There are a lot of people that don't know this about me and I think that would probably believe I've gone straight-up-crazy, but it has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl back at Agudas Achim. I have always wanted to spend the later years of my adulthood dedicating my time to my people. When I say it out loud, it sound nuts, I know it. In the past, the only people I've ever told were Jews. This is sort of a coming out, I suppose.
When I was 17, I told my parents I wanted to move to Israel. They told me that is was unsafe and made me go to college. I showed them I was serious about this by going to college and becoming a raver and doing copious amounts of mind-altering substances. By the time I dropped out of college for one year. I think my parents understood I didn't want to take the same path as my siblings and go directly to college and get married. I was more of the adventurous type, so after 6 months of living in San Antonio barely getting by, I dropped some science on my parents and they finally granted me their permission to move to Israel. At the time, I was a wild child to both my parents and my friends and when I told my friends I was going to move to Israel and might not return, they just thought I had bad acid trip, they didn't know, that I had always felt this way.
I believe in G-d! Even though I know many of the stories from the Torah are antiquated, the lessons are pretty relevant today. I am an independent thinker and I do question everything and there's nothing more Jewish than that? I write about myself as both a philosopher and a free-thinking exhibitionist. What better place to channel these strong suits of mine than the pulpit? Could I help people to know themselves better and love themselves by the error of my ways? I could spend my time writing, partying, working, loving and put them into something I find dear. More than anything about my people, I love the spirit that we have. We have our holidays and life cycles and ways that separate us but we also have the will to make changes in the world around us and prevail over ignorance. But more than anything, we have the ability to live as realists and dreamers at the same time. To be the doctor that heals and the artist that sooths the soul, that's the plight of many a famous man. Why can't I be a hedonistic rabbi? There's no reason I can't. In fact, we, Jews, don't believe in SIN. We believe in Life and what is more important than living and loving your life and creating more life? Nothing!
You see, growing up in a Mexican city in the middle of Texas, and being the closeted rebel kid I was, I hid my personal love of my faith to my gentile friends. I remember growing up feeling like I was living a double life. Every day I would go to public school and 2-3 times a week, I'd go to Hebrew School and religious studies and I loved it, but it was never something I could share with my gentile friends who didn't see me as Jewish girl, they just saw me as quirky kid with big boobs. Every Friday night, my mother made Shabbat dinner at home and he did our Jewy thing before we all went out to do our secular things. That's the kind of Jew I was; secular, but with a well-defined identity that I kept hidden. I didn't relate to other Jewish kids back then, the bulk of them went to another school and fell under a different high school stereotype. I did however, spend every summer immersed in a Jewish social life while I went away to Greene Family Camp. I didn't fit in with my "own kind" and I didn't care to change myself to do so. This is but one of the many reasons, I had to move away from Texas as soon as possible.
I didn't even realize I looked "Jewish" till I moved to cities where lots of other Jews lived, in my late twenties. (miami/nyc) And not until very recently, did I finally find a congregation that spoke to me and made me feel included. How can I feel so spiritually connected to my roots and like to party and have tattoos at the same time? How can I feel soJewish to the core when I live a life that many would judge as contradictory? That is a never ending dilemma for me! That's always been an identity problem. Its why its hard for me to date Jewish guys and at the same time, hard for me not to. That's why I can't just go shopping for a mate on JDate and I can't relate to the average Israeli because he's shellshocked. I'm a walking contradiction, its not that unusal, but I would like to find a more balanced way. On one hand, I'm hedonist rebel child and on the other hand I'm hungry for knowledge, angst-ridden and an out of place "Wandering Jew."
Can going to rabbinical school bring me closer to what I'm missing? I just don't know. Lanna believes in me. She has no doubts that I will one day fulfill my dream and become a Rabbi. As Rabbi Hillel says, "If I am for myself, who will be for me? But if I am for myself alone, then who am I and If not now, then, when?" Should I seize my unsatisfying daily plight and do something BIG, now? Maybe I'm just crazy? Maybe my parents should have let me move to Israel when I was 17 and get it out of m y system.
I never would have become a raver and I never would have gone through the things that made me the person I am today. I can't play coulda, shoulda, woulda for the rest of my existence, I just have to move forward. I am where I am supposed to be right now! I know that. I just don't know where I will go after I return from my birth place. Maybe this journey will give me the answer. This is indeed a broken world and I need to find my own personal way to fix it. I want to practice Tikkun Olam. I want to be less selfish! I want to learn more philosophy. I kind of do want to be Barbra Streisand in Yentl, but you know, still dress like a woman and not live in Eastern Europe. Maybe I have a very active mind that needs to stop pondering the meaning of my life so much? Maybe I should have just popped out some kids while I was younger so I wouldn't have had time to worry about these things.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all the people who had the patience to make it down this far… through my spiritual ramblings and intimate ravings about self-unfulfilment. Peace to all of you in America and beyond!
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