minutia and deep thoughts of an active mind with too much going on all at once...

The light outside is dull and drab. The clouds are bringing me down. I'm supposed to pack to move to a new apartment and also work on an important grad school project that is due in a just a few days, but my mind is scattered and unmotivated. I'm trying to drink enough coffee to get me to move to do the things I desperately need to do. The thoughts roll through my head like the streams of light from passing traffic. Then I worry about my mother. Then I think about all the food in my freezer I need to eat. All the crap in my apartment that needs to be boxed up, wrapped tight, organized and thrown away. Where have all the sharpies gone? Long time passing. Where have all the sharpies gone? Long time ago.

Then I worry about my mother again, but I can't do anything but send her my love and listen as she nervously rambles away. Talking herself out of her normal hysteria and trying to remain calm, well the closest to calm she gets. Should I give thanks for who I am because I am half of her? Should I worry that I will get the same dreaded disease? No, not now. I have other things to occupy me.

I have a date tonight and I want to act like everything is A-OK. I've known this guy for some time and I like him and it's not like I have to create a first impression. He's thought I was cool since the moment we shook hands. Still, we don't know eachother well enough for me to let down my guard. I can't just blurt out in the middle of our first official date... "Hey, did you know that it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Well it is and my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this week. Yes, its terrible news! But, of all the people I know in this world my mom is the hardest fighter and I know she will be OK." That's just not the kind of thing you say on a first date! It should be saved for at least the second date, right!?

Then I go back to the mental check-list... I've changed my addresses with my bank, credit cards, gas company, electric, cable, Newseek, InStyle, Entertainment Weekly... Now, I've told the world that I am moving somewhere... Where do I begin my packing? My apartment is chaos.

And back to school... How do I get the energy to produce genius in the form of an authentic curriculum project? I don't even know what I'm going to do. My math motivational "Do Now" from Friday was "What goes around comes back around." Upon seeing my students' reflections in words and picture form, the lesson seemed to work. The kids thought about karma and the physicality of circles. My favorite lessons are life lessons with content sprinkled in. It was "mathy" and they got the point to be good and good things will happen to you. They uderstood that a circle has no beginning and no end. Ah yes...no end, no end... there's no end to the amount of work I have to do right now. Instead of getting right into it, I cooked a leisurely breakfast and now I'm writing a blog. OK, I have till noon to fuck around and then I get down to business!

Writing and thinking does help. I've made a decision. I will have take a personal day on Friday to be ready to move that afternoon. And another load off my mind is that I booked a ticket to San Antonio for Thanksgiving. I really need to be with my mom and my whole family right now. I miss them deeply. Even though I have the best of friends here, there is no replacment for my parents or my siblings.

Oh God... I'm freaking out...should I ask my professor if I can have an extension? My mind is like a baby rattle! At least I'm glad I that ate loads of fiber yesterday! Like a circle, my mind has no beginning and no end.

You're a serial-killer on the loose!

When we were together, I thought I was special to be your girl. You lavished me in love I didn't think possible. You suffocated me in reverse. Took away my breath when you went away. My first reaction was not to trust a person that gave them self away so quickly, but I didn't want to be that non-believer and I gave in and trusted you. My heart had been broken ages ago and I had to let that damage go. But, real heartbreak never fully disappears, it just shrinks down to a size that fits in a file. In this system of threat/non-threat, I can pull the folder out and reminisce for a while about how I got duped again.

You were careless with your "heart" and gave it to me like a scene from a sappy movie. I was in ecstasy when you handed me that silver pressed heart coin and told me that you'd been saving it for someone special to give your heart to. I carried that sweet token of cheese around with me everywhere for the better part of 4 months. You were even more careless with my heart for it was just a place-marker. You made me feel special, but I could have been anyone, you were just ready to feel something and I was there to make it happen.

The corpse isn't even cold yet but you have already moved on to another warm body. You didn't wait a week before you leaped into another woman's space. You didn't honor anything we had or mourn it in any way. Meanwhile, I cried for a month's time. I have the wrinkles under my eyes to prove it and you have a new girlfriend.

By the end of our relationship, you didn't want to do anything nice for me. You wanted to bind me quite literally and not look into my face. It was tragic how you shamed me as I was looking for a position and you wanted to go shopping but not in front of me so you asked me to meet you outside. It was a complete 180 from your honeymoon generosity. You took me to the grocery store so I could buy necessary items. I wanted to cook for you, but you wanted to sit outside and avoid anything domestic with me. You brought over your computer to steal my music but I didn't make time for that. I had nothing else to give but my love and that you used up in a span of a season.

You thanked me for opening your heart, for showing you how love felt, but it was all an illusion like your warmth. I thought you were warm and kind but you are cold and cruel and full of crap. After my month of heartache, I just wanted to let it go and be friends. I missed you because you left a void. I called you because I wanted to see if we could actually be friends, I also wanted to give you back that stupid coin. I wanted you to have your heart, I didn't want it anymore and I didn't think it was right to toss it. I'm so glad I called first, because I saved myself the public humiliation I might have endured to see you with another. I wanted to hear you missed me but you never missed me, you just replaced me. I wanted to be your friend but you're sick. You don't even know who your friends are. I was your friend and look what you did to me.

From one girl to the next, you're not just a serial-monogamist, you're a serial-killer on the loose! You killed your wife, then you killed me and now you're on to your next victim. What you really need is time to be alone with yourself but that would make you confront the lack of yourself and that is something you have never done. Your alcoholic tendencies amounted to a poor escape, but you gave that up and now you use people to avoid your demons. What you really need is years and years of therapy. Hey killer, I'm the living dead and I limp about without a heart. But, I know the truth and I want it back. I want every moment I gave to you back. Whoever said that crap about love and loss and losing is a dead sophomoric moron.

Love Shopping Over-Easy

It's not authentic.
It isn't real!
Too good to be true,
Because it really isn't true!

You can't see the glimmer in my eye,
Or the feel of my awesome vibe.
Your nose can't savor my sexy scent.
I'm not a snapshot under false light,
F@#$k'n Photoshoped for public site.

I'm all human,
Multi-dimentionial.
Moving in space.
And this narrow place
Don't mean a thing!
It's not love shopping,
It's just over-easy.

Warm and Kind

It's cold and I feel it from my heart to my bones. I know there is something I can't see but I can feel it when its gone. I went to the dentist because a filling fell out and she called me sweetheart and brushed me with her legs and arms. It was the first time in over a month that I felt tenderness; I felt cared for. How sad is that? My dentist gave me comfort and I don't see comfort in the horizon but I know I want it.

Its a chilly autumn day outside and the warmth I felt was from my dentist. A brave and sentimental one; I made it all the way home to Brooklyn. I closed the front door to my building but I didn't even make it up the stairs to my apartment before the tears streamed over my face. I wish I was coming home to a human who is warm and kind but there is no one here but my pets.

You're Dumb 2010

Bait and switch and I just can't stop... bitching about something so shitty. Give me no support and no power and I will give you something you really need. Take that, Mutherfucker! Didn't change everything in my life to burn out like a flame. What's good? Not much! You're dumb.

I'm a Capricorn!

How can I close my heart and open my lungs?
Because all of a sudden I think and I can't breath.
Something so strong can't be easily undone
And bear emptiness underneath.
You were sprung like a street light signal,
But it didn't say to walk away.
It is a sour dose of all or nothing.
Only an ex-alcolohic can be so disembodied.

My breath stays inside growing bubbles of trapped air,
Salt from my insides spurt out like the fire hydrant on my block.
I found myself staring at the clock on my mobile device.
Blinking my eyes to search for blinking lights.
I'm a Capricorn - I always need purpose!
A good reason to go to bed and then wake up.
My world is my world and I have lots of space on the top.
With some nights alone and my left ventricle glued.
I want to breath again and touch you!

Talking with the local drag queen was the highlight of my holiday weekend.

Last week was rough. I went through a break-up, Whatever... Anyway, we're not together and it really sucks. Then, I got a job and I didn't really want to take it because it may ultimately make me move back to Manhattan and I've come to love where I live in Brooklyn. Also, I'm having trouble being happy about finally securing a teaching position because the person who was there for me through the Fellowship training and job seeking process is no longer around. Then, I sprained my ankle while I was out celebrating getting a job with the Fellows.

All ten of the Fellows that came out to have drinks had landed teaching positions. So, before the chaos of our new professional lives began, we took some time to enjoy ourselves. We went to the Alligator Lounge in Williamsburg where you get a free personal pizza with every drink. Its a great spot if you're on a budget or not. On Thursdays, there is a hipster karaoke in the backroom and although I kind of dislike karaoke, hipster karaoke is hilarious and so several of us decided to sing. Imagine Hipsters singing Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and current popular hits like Lady Gaga. It's really entertaining!

It was such a fun night that as I was walking from the back to the front room, I didn't notice the step and twisted my ankle pretty bad. It grew increasingly painful and so I asked one of my friends to help me get home. Luckily, she lives a block away, so it wasn't too much of an imposition. They got me up the stairs, put some ice on on foot and I really thought I would wake up the next day feeling OK. I was scheduled to have professional development (orientation) for the new teaching job the next day, but when I woke up early in the morning, I discovered that I couldn't put in any weight on my foot. I couldn't walk and it was pretty much impossible for me to get to my school. So, I had to call in. What kind of bum luck timing is it that I finally have a job and I had to tell my principal and assistant principal that I had to go to the emergency room instead?!?!

Beacuse of the circumstances, I had to wake up my roommate to ask him for cash so I could take a cab to the hospital. He didn't have cash, but he was nice enough to go get some cash and then go back to bed. I limped down to the car service and went to the ER by myself. It was horrendous as expected and given the week the that I had had. I could not have felt more defeated and alone as I did at Woodhull State Hospital. Ironically, I was just a few days away from having health insurance, but at that time I didn't, so I had to suck it up and go to the state hospital and hope that they don't bill me later. It was just a sprain, but I couldn't risk not knowing if it was fractured or not and then it getting worse over the Labor Day weekend and then not being able to report on my first day of school which is now tomorrow!

And to make matters worse, I caught a cold at the hospital. For God's sakes, enough already! I've been resting, icing and elevating my foot for almost 4 days now and although its still pretty painful, I know I can make it through the work week because I took it easy and canceled several plans with friends because I couldn't risk not healing enough. Unfortunately, I've had way too much time to think. I've thought about what a crazy week I just had and wonder what will happen next. When will my luck change? Will my love return to me? Will I be a good teacher or a mess like I've been for the past few weeks?

It's Labor Day today, the day before the NYC teachers start school and two days before students start the semester and I don't know what to do until I meet my co-teachers tomorrow. My uncle's partner had a colostomy bag put in this week, which is way worse than my shit, but I have been feeling so blue and couldn't bear the thought of faking happiness to call him. I suck! Today, my only living grandmother turns 92 and I'm going to call her and hope that I get voicemail instead of my mother.

Also today, I've finally healed enough to walk down my street. Well, I limped and there was an oppressive amount of pity from the people who are used to seeing the fast walking me everyday. They were kind and told me to go rest and feel better. I've been lying down with my foot up in an emotional and physical tunnel feeling intensely alone and obsessing about loss and misery. So, let me tell you... stopping to talk to the local badass drag queen, Mahogany, on the street was the highlight of the last 3 days! How sad is that?! I'm still trying to be strong, but the devil got the best of me and I sent a text message that I shouldn't have. I knew better and didn't get a response. Now, I'm here with my foot on ice and I should be excited about the new school year that starts in a minute, but instead I hate myself. This week has got to be better!

"God got my back but the devil, he want my head."

Doesn't it just suck that these days I've only been blogging when I'm feeling sad?! I crave balance more than anything but destiny is a cruel myth of a goddess without limits. I want to love and be loved and still feel the need to express happiness in words that don't go away.

In E-40's song 'Happy to Be Here' he says "God got my back but the devil, he want my head." I feel that so deeply. I have so much on this complex mind of mine and I am trying to stay far away from that dark place but its a nonstop battle between love and hate and all things in between. Apathy has never been my thing. Oh, how I wish I didn't give a shit! I wish I could just be numb and suck it up and feel unhappy and just split. If I were as cool as some people see me, I'd have a much easier life but I'm riding on a non-stop wave of consciousness and in this deep ocean there is a lot of darkness below the light.

I can be quite trite sometimes, but might I say, I made a leap of faith?! No, I mean I made several leaps of faith. I am an extreme human being and I have to believe there are things that I can't see but I can feel and that's the burden that breaks my newly opened heart. The cornerstone of a life filled with adventure and disappointment is sensitivity.

Wisdom, I can share and overwhelming love, I can bear the weight of it all, but I don't do it half-ass. When I love something or someone, I don't know how to hold back. Then I give it all away and forget myself and I am left with empty pockets and shaky mental health. These thoughts are way too personal for the world. I know that... but this pain is too much to pass on to anyone that I wish to keep around. The virtual community of my making can be my outlet for a heart that is breaking.

First, I leaped into a new passion and I let it take over me willingly because it gave me the opportunity to be the good version of myself instead of the bad me which I became so good at. And now, in the final stages where it comes to fruition, its a roller-coaster of a ride and my hands are in the air. If my best isn't good enough, than I need to become better for a tomorrow and that requires a new best. I am not where I am supposed to be and my best will be brought out when it means something.

My other leap of faith was a jump-start of my heart. I got used to taking care of myself and then forgot what it was like to have someone who wanted to care for me. I didn't know how to balance things and at this moment, I am left alone. Without the balance of career and time, there isn't enough time in the world for the kind of love I desire.

In the moments when I'm not determined, my thoughts turn to him. I am trying to be my best and I'm hoping to be even better. I believe in God, but I don't believe in men. Now, I have to put all those silly thoughts aside and rise up again and hope that I am missed by him. No one can ever love this man like I can. No one can do the things in the style that I have. No one can be just like me, thankfully.

Indifference Isn't Part Of My Vocabulary

I could feel him slipping away, but he didn't know where he was going. In a harbor so deep, his heart fell asleep in the sand. I thought I could never know love again, but he pulled out the stitches and pitched a tent inside.

To be near someone that couldn't get enough of me; it seemed highly unlikely. How can I accept love when I hate every stupid word that comes out of my stupid mouth? When I regret more than I can let go... When I can see myself doing the right thing, but not.

I'm spoiled by neglect and impossibly direct. Taking the difficult road and tensely moving forward though I can't bear the load. I have loved him more than I thought I was able. I have no idea what happens next, I hope that I am capable of living through this without checking myself into a tomb. Happier than anyone can believe and sadder than a bottom feeder without a womb.

Examing disability through the movies: The Usual Suspects

Pop culture often portrays people with disabilities within polarizing landscapes which separate the weak from the strong and in The Usual Suspects, the central character, Verbal Kint, is perceived to be a “gimp” and a “cripple” because of his visible physicality. In the plot of The Usual Suspects, disability can be defined by the Sociopolitical Model. Verbal’s limitations were perceived as physical and social barriers in the community and his weakness put him on unequal level with the others. (Barton, 1992, Pg. 51) Thus, Verbal was someone to be pitied and not taken seriously, however Verbal was actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Within the Culture of Disability, disability places the onus upon society and not the individual. The Usual Suspects presented the perfect twist on this Sociopolitical Model because the protagonist was faking the disability to take advantage of preconceived notions from culture.

The criminal culture in the film is “not so much a product of sharing as a product of sharing as a product of people hamming each other into shape with the well-structured tools already available.” (McDermott, Varenne, 1995, Pg. 23) Illustrated from after the initial line-up where the suspects were placed in the holding cell; Mr. Hockney called Verbal “Pretzel Man” and asked what he could be doing there. The other suspects had well-known specialized skills from the beginning of the scene and had completely ignored Verbal Kint. According to the H.G. Wells’s Difference Approach, when unpacking assumptions, one can imagine that the world consists of a wide range of people with different competencies. (McDermott, Varenne, 1995, Pg. 27) With the exception of Dean Keaton, the group of suspects judged Verbal’s abilities at face value and didn’t initially accept him into their proposed their jewel scheme. After being accepted, he destroyed the cultural stereotype by coming up with a plan where nobody had to die in the successful jewel heist. Moving forward, instead of being called “gimp”, the usual suspects called Verbal, “The Man with the Plan.”

Consequently, every other member of the criminal gang was found dead and Verbal Kint was called into questioning by Agent Kujan who saw Verbal as stupid, weak and easily manipulated. He had never dreamed that Verbal had created a false disabled identity. Little did he know that Verbal manipulated the entire situation from the very beginning. For example, he asked for a light and pretended not to be able to use the lighter. He dropped the lighter on the floor and let Agent Kujan pick it up and light the cigarette for him. By this act, Agent Kujan was reaffirmed, that Verbal was helpless and he could therefore outsmart him.

When the agent asked Verbal about the identity of the notorious Kaiser Tsoze, Verbal communicated a legend of criminal bravery and built up a powerful anti-hero who was allegedly the real man behind the crime. This tall tale was an interesting technique used by the protagonist because it deflected suspicion added mystique to the infamously accused. (Barton, 1992, Pg. 52) Verbal told Agent Kujan that the “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist” and also warned the agent that after he was gone, Kaiser Tzose would disappear forever. The agent didn’t suspect a thing.

I loved this pop culture depiction of disability because no other movie is centered on a protagonist with a disability which was ultimately a charade. Verbal came off as a fundamentally tragic character, subject to discrimination on all sides of the law; however, he was actually the true ringleader of evil. (Barton, 1992, Pg. 52) No one ever saw that coming…He completely took advantage of his perceived tragedy and was never given difficult physical tasks by the gang and consistently deemed weak and unintelligent by the law officer. Agent Kujan tried to pin the whole manipulation upon Dean Keaton and then Kaiser Tsoze and he was oblivious to the story that was literally written on the wall.

In the final scene of The Usual Suspects, Verbal limped away, just as Agent Kujan relaxed and looked at the back wall and saw the origin of all of Verbal’s silly stories used to create confusion and deflection. Suddenly, the agent remembered all the truths that came out as they spoke and realized the weakling cripple was truly the legendary mastermind. Verbal limped away and transformed into an able-bodied person. As he got into an expensive car, Agent Kujan ran after him, missed him and then disappeared. In the end, the eye-witness sketch of Kaiser Tsoze turned out to be Verbal Kint and the quote came back into the agent’s mind… “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

The Usual Suspects was framed within the Sociopolitical Model which views disability as being caused by the barriers that exist within society and the way society is organized. The criminal culture as well as the law enforcement figure blatantly discriminated against Verbal because of his physical impairments and assigned him no connection to the true crime. This pop culture example artfully used presumption that disabled people are weak and turned it into a point of strength and power.


Works Sited
Barton, L. (1992) Disability and the necessity for a socio-political perspective. In L. Barton, K. Ballard, & G.
McDermott, R., Vareanne, H. (1995). Culture as disability. Anthropology & Education Quarterly, 26 (3), 22-34

By Day and Night

Be crazy for me, but not crazy.
My affection for you is unending.
Checking off my list of "yes, we cans".
You're possibly my family man.

Lover of dancing and giver of yummy kisses.
Ocean is home for you.
You adore this passionate Jew.
This modern classic likes modern music and remembers Coke Classic.

You smile and it is genuine.
Articulation is no problem, though you're wholly masculine
You know girls obsess over their hair and that is no reflexion of depth
Believer, over-achiever and generous lover of more than just breasts.