"God got my back but the devil, he want my head."

Doesn't it just suck that these days I've only been blogging when I'm feeling sad?! I crave balance more than anything but destiny is a cruel myth of a goddess without limits. I want to love and be loved and still feel the need to express happiness in words that don't go away.

In E-40's song 'Happy to Be Here' he says "God got my back but the devil, he want my head." I feel that so deeply. I have so much on this complex mind of mine and I am trying to stay far away from that dark place but its a nonstop battle between love and hate and all things in between. Apathy has never been my thing. Oh, how I wish I didn't give a shit! I wish I could just be numb and suck it up and feel unhappy and just split. If I were as cool as some people see me, I'd have a much easier life but I'm riding on a non-stop wave of consciousness and in this deep ocean there is a lot of darkness below the light.

I can be quite trite sometimes, but might I say, I made a leap of faith?! No, I mean I made several leaps of faith. I am an extreme human being and I have to believe there are things that I can't see but I can feel and that's the burden that breaks my newly opened heart. The cornerstone of a life filled with adventure and disappointment is sensitivity.

Wisdom, I can share and overwhelming love, I can bear the weight of it all, but I don't do it half-ass. When I love something or someone, I don't know how to hold back. Then I give it all away and forget myself and I am left with empty pockets and shaky mental health. These thoughts are way too personal for the world. I know that... but this pain is too much to pass on to anyone that I wish to keep around. The virtual community of my making can be my outlet for a heart that is breaking.

First, I leaped into a new passion and I let it take over me willingly because it gave me the opportunity to be the good version of myself instead of the bad me which I became so good at. And now, in the final stages where it comes to fruition, its a roller-coaster of a ride and my hands are in the air. If my best isn't good enough, than I need to become better for a tomorrow and that requires a new best. I am not where I am supposed to be and my best will be brought out when it means something.

My other leap of faith was a jump-start of my heart. I got used to taking care of myself and then forgot what it was like to have someone who wanted to care for me. I didn't know how to balance things and at this moment, I am left alone. Without the balance of career and time, there isn't enough time in the world for the kind of love I desire.

In the moments when I'm not determined, my thoughts turn to him. I am trying to be my best and I'm hoping to be even better. I believe in God, but I don't believe in men. Now, I have to put all those silly thoughts aside and rise up again and hope that I am missed by him. No one can ever love this man like I can. No one can do the things in the style that I have. No one can be just like me, thankfully.