Stop Me if You've Heard This One Before...

There are times when I am feeling as drained as a neglected houseplant and other times when I'm energized from roots to leaves. There are other thematic moments in my vibrant journey when I may forget about other day's problems and triumphs and hyper-focus on missing him. Yesterday, I woke up with that longing again, I knew exactly what I was yearning for. Still wishing I could "wash that man right out of my hair" but I don't know how to without another. There is no person in my daily life who even knows his name, but there is always a reason for me to think about him just the same... I am deathly romantic for a time that has clearly passed...

I would love to wipe my memories clean just like in that Kaufman film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I'd forget how it felt to be loved and lost if I had the means. I know that the characters' mind altering plans went awry. They ultimately found each other again and it's not like that will ever happen with us. I saw to that. I released him a long time ago. He lives very far away from here, but lives here in my slumber. In a recent dream, I started a fist fight with an old friend for sleeping with him. In my sleep, I knew he wasn't mine to fight for, but I still did it. I'm sane and much healthier now than when I met him. I'm capable of moving on, but no one seems to be right. I'd throw all my baggage in the dumpster if I could fall in love again. I hope that I'm not doomed from this old injury and my mind hasn't frozen with his face stuck in time.

In my fantasy world, I put a sign across my forehead, It reads: "I am available for healing. I am available for loving. I'm tired of missing that which I cannot have." I stopped searching for "the one." I stopped looking because I just want to be found. I'm standing as still as an oak with roots as deep as my capacity. I can feel the bluebirds nest on my branches, seasons pass and I lose my leaves, then they grow back again and I await an adventurous tree climber on my trunk. I wasn't even all that happy with him. I may just miss waking up with someone next to me. Feeling like I know who will be the father to my imaginary children. I know that it's too intimate how much I reveal here, but I need to set my longings free and having an audience is very liberating indeed.