The light outside is dull and drab. The clouds are bringing me down. I'm supposed to pack to move to a new apartment and also work on an important grad school project that is due in a just a few days, but my mind is scattered and unmotivated. I'm trying to drink enough coffee to get me to move to do the things I desperately need to do. The thoughts roll through my head like the streams of light from passing traffic. Then I worry about my mother. Then I think about all the food in my freezer I need to eat. All the crap in my apartment that needs to be boxed up, wrapped tight, organized and thrown away. Where have all the sharpies gone? Long time passing. Where have all the sharpies gone? Long time ago.
Then I worry about my mother again, but I can't do anything but send her my love and listen as she nervously rambles away. Talking herself out of her normal hysteria and trying to remain calm, well the closest to calm she gets. Should I give thanks for who I am because I am half of her? Should I worry that I will get the same dreaded disease? No, not now. I have other things to occupy me.
I have a date tonight and I want to act like everything is A-OK. I've known this guy for some time and I like him and it's not like I have to create a first impression. He's thought I was cool since the moment we shook hands. Still, we don't know eachother well enough for me to let down my guard. I can't just blurt out in the middle of our first official date... "Hey, did you know that it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Well it is and my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this week. Yes, its terrible news! But, of all the people I know in this world my mom is the hardest fighter and I know she will be OK." That's just not the kind of thing you say on a first date! It should be saved for at least the second date, right!?
Then I go back to the mental check-list... I've changed my addresses with my bank, credit cards, gas company, electric, cable, Newseek, InStyle, Entertainment Weekly... Now, I've told the world that I am moving somewhere... Where do I begin my packing? My apartment is chaos.
And back to school... How do I get the energy to produce genius in the form of an authentic curriculum project? I don't even know what I'm going to do. My math motivational "Do Now" from Friday was "What goes around comes back around." Upon seeing my students' reflections in words and picture form, the lesson seemed to work. The kids thought about karma and the physicality of circles. My favorite lessons are life lessons with content sprinkled in. It was "mathy" and they got the point to be good and good things will happen to you. They uderstood that a circle has no beginning and no end. Ah yes...no end, no end... there's no end to the amount of work I have to do right now. Instead of getting right into it, I cooked a leisurely breakfast and now I'm writing a blog. OK, I have till noon to fuck around and then I get down to business!
Writing and thinking does help. I've made a decision. I will have take a personal day on Friday to be ready to move that afternoon. And another load off my mind is that I booked a ticket to San Antonio for Thanksgiving. I really need to be with my mom and my whole family right now. I miss them deeply. Even though I have the best of friends here, there is no replacment for my parents or my siblings.
Oh God... I'm freaking out...should I ask my professor if I can have an extension? My mind is like a baby rattle! At least I'm glad I that ate loads of fiber yesterday! Like a circle, my mind has no beginning and no end.
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