Lost in False Positive (26 Apr 2007)

Haven't blogged in a while. I have actually had so much on my mind that I couldn't bear the idea of looking at a verbal representation of my "transitional phase." I've had no head space for introspection, instead, full of doubt and anxiety. Unfortunately not so much a phase but a reality of life. Maybe I need to unleash things into the public domain. I feel captive to a barrage of rejections. I've been going to a miraculous amount of interviews and then I say one thing and blow it or someone else says it so much better. I have little control over the outcome. I used to think I was great at selling myself, but now that's highly questionable. It sucks. I'm fucking tired. I've been working hard, odd hours, getting myself so sick making stupid formulaic structures. Once I get to the place where they have the real jobs, I can't even form a proper sentence. I've been crazy sick and no one is here to take care of me. My friends are great, but they won't take the place of a boy that calls me his girl. I'm disappointing myself. I don't want to talk to my family and dissapoint someone else. I can't be fake positive all the time. I have moments when I'm having fun and then I'm wondering where the fuck I am going. What happened? Everybody has bad days, mine are not all bad. I'm not freaking out! I'm not depressed. I'm lost.