Bender of Bad and a Cycle of Stupid

One day in my early 20's, upon realization of some tattoos and piercings, my mom asked me why I didn't love myself. She said that she must have failed me because she didn't instill self-love. That really got to me! I can still remember it as one of those random moments, where my mother, who walks to the beat of her own drummer, imparted deep wisdom upon me. Like an alcoholic miner, this wildly original person I call my mother will randomly mine nuggets of clarity.

Upon reflection of this maternal epiphany I want to say, I do love myself. Not every waking moment of the day and not even daily, but I'm feeling me. Sometimes, I can't love me, so I go into self-destructive mode. It's not like I want to die, I love living, its just that I want to punish myself for something I'm not even aware of. I probably just need a good spanking.

That matriarchal memory although unfresh is in my mind again because I've been going through one of those phases. "I am a rebel" (Dotty!) I don't need to make that declaration, argh...although at times it lies dormant, it will never fade away. I was raised by rebels, its innate, a fundamental part of my personality. At times, I may quell my "alternative" lifestyle in order to live my own version of a "normal" American life. Then, like that, I go on a Bender of Bad and a Cycle of Stupid.

These collisions with self-hatred take on many forms. Today, I'm unable to access my true heart's desire, so in the mean time, the void gets filled thru a corrosive manner. I'm not out to broadcast the specifics of my behavior, but I'm taking note. This is not a plea for help, not one bit, so don't take it like dat! Its more like a recognition that I'm going through a phase and "this too shall pass."