I got home and unpacked my stuff and found a letter that my father had hid in my luggage with a newspaper article attached. After such a nice pleasant stay, I got home to this! It brought about old memories of a pattern of my dad sending me/ leaving me hurtful heartfelt notes on his legal letterhead. It wasn't very nice and its never been. In this note, he said the things he was afraid to say to my face like, that he thinks I need to "tone down" my personality so as not to put my friends and work associates off… That I need to be more serious about my career.... That I looked like I had started to gain weight and that I needed to watch that... That I need get over my past personal problems, etc... He thinks that it's just some fatherly advise that he has a right to sneak into my bag and smack me with when I least expect it. I was kind of hoping it was a gift of some kind, but instead it was shaming letter. Then when I call him and ask him what I did during that trip to prompt him to do that to me and break down in tears, he says he's sorry and apologizes for his methods but that he means the best by it. In the same breath, as I whimper in psychological pain and try to gather the strength to tell him that this advice is unsolicited and unfair, he tells me I'm too sensitive. Then, he says only human and it comes from a place of love.
I hoped that these notes would stop by now. I don't ask for assistance from them. I don't bother them with my daily minutia. I don't dare mention my love life. I only ask for him to get me a ticket home once a year. I wonder if he sends these letters to my sisters. I doubt it, because they are married to men that worship them. I doubt they get letters underlined three times telling them they are not living up to their talents and education. I doubt he sends messages to my sister's about using their free education to get ahead in life. I know that he will always look at me as his baby, he reminds me of that all the time. That's the ugly side of being the youngest! I know it comes from his own insecurities about his short-comings and some of the words he says to me are the words he won't dare say to my mother. On the outside, everyone sees my dad as the jovial and kind one, but every once in a while his mean spirit comes out and I feel like I've disappointed him and everyone around me.
Why did he decide to turn a good trip into an opportunity to tell me, I'm not living up to his expectations? I don't think I'll ever know. Why does one sheet of paper underlined by Daddy make me feel like the biggest loser in the world? I mean, I was free again, away from my parents grasp. I was in my home that I pay all the bills for, on time. I was happy to be back in New York City and happy to have had a blow-out free trip home and then I found that note. Included in the note was an article about a man who achieved that American Dream. Why can't the American Dream include being independent and living in the most amazing cities in the USA? Why can't he see that I have my own American Dreams and they just don't fit his expectations? I know I'm lucky to have a dad that really cares about me and would do anything to help me, but at a certain point, I don't want his help or his judgment, I just want him to accept me for the person I am. I don't know if he ever will like me even though he pretty much loves me more than anyone except my Momma. The irony is that what he wants is for me not to be like my mom, whom he has been married to for 44 years as of tomorrow. I just sent them a gift for their anniversary in spite of the fact I don't want to talk to my dad right now. I will be the bigger person and accept him for who he really is.
UPDATE: He called me today and told me he would never do that again. I told him I was proud of who I am and he told me he was also proud of me and that he did a stupid thing. He recognized that I'm 30 yrs old and its up to me now. He promised this was the last time. I will hold him at his word. I love him very much and cherish every moment I get and the next time he feels the need to give me fatherly advise, he will just have to say it verbally. Even old men, can learn a thing or two...
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