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(Teacher’s Rap) Math for Your Mind!

2010-12-31T02:34:00.001-05:00

(Teacher’s Rap) Math for Your Mind!

Uh… Uh… Before I was a teacher, was a fresh DJ.
If I weren’t good at math, wouldn’t know how to play.
Beat matching all the rhythms with the counts of eights.
Dope rhymes are the beginning; let me show you the way...
On the ones and the twos with the basic operations.
Subtraction, Addition, Division, Multiplication.
Our American Dream ain’t all about the cash,
But when are good at math you’ll protect your …
Ask me lots of questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
I’d be broke as a joke if I couldn’t multiply.
Life is hard, lots of problems so you got to simplify.
Write a shorter expression to find the value of why…
Is it crazy when I tell you, learning math makes you smart!
Not so crazy cause without it, we would not have art.
Without people skilled in math, many things wouldn’t be.
Like Facebook, your street, glasses, TV…
Math nerds rule the planet! Math nerds like me!
Calculating batting averages we got our MVP
Shopping for groceries, find the difference, save your money, rewrite your script. Take the challenge; it is worth it, because math is a gift!

Moving, Caring, Staring… (EDIT)

2010-12-31T00:59:00.001-05:00

My mind keeps moving...
You can't help but stare.
Short-term memories, information missing, and blissfully unaware.
I hydrate your fountain, feed you organic food,
You still get bored at times,
But you're loved in this classroom.

You relish the sound of an even tempered voice...
It’s not like you really have a choice.
Life is difficult, but simplified just for you.
I’ve made a lifestyle change.
My hunter instincts are suppressed and careened.
We're urban so we just replace things.

I’m committed to consistently caring for you;
My void in life is now startlingly subdued,
Delayed irregular,
Afraid and clever.
The standard measures are never true.

Some days are like court trials,
But then again, there are wins.
I've never really liked to clean,
I’d rather create and see what happens.
But I'm strangely content to suction up your waste,
I yearn to heal and earn more patience,
My sweet students leave me no legacy;
Little favors won't be returned,
I redirect to keep it moving,
What a joy to stop and learn!

A Civics Revival

2010-12-31T00:55:00.002-05:00

Title: A Civics Revival
Publication: The Boston Globe (Globe Editorial)
Date: September 12, 2004

Key Ideas in the Article:

• Civics education should be a statewide effort to instill the value of democracy
• The true mission of education is the creation on which democracy can survive
• Educational emphasis on math and science and not on democracy
• America has developed an anti-government stance

Summary:

Civics education has been on the decline since the Viet Nam War and Nixon administration, thus voter turnout between the ages of 18-24 years of age has become abysmal. An initiative sponsored by the Center for Democracy and Citizenship, called the Campaign for the Civic Mission of Schools, sets about to bridge the disconnection our future adults have with American democracy by promoting and investing in Civics education. A notable superintendent from Hudson, Massachusetts, is excelling with this initiative. He stated that the "true mission of education" to be not only the teaching of math, science, and reading but "the creation of a public on which a democracy can survive." Sadly, there is an air of anti-democracy in this country and it is present from without and within. "America is probably more vulnerable to democracy declining from within than it is to a terrorist attack," said State Senator Richard Moore,, who has worked on an advisory group within the National Conference of State Legislatures. Most children know more about the Simpsons, than their own representation.

Professional Reaction:

I find myself saddened by the lack of connection our young people have with democratic ideals and yet totally understanding of our youth’s detachment to a disempowering system of government. On one hand, future adults of America should take a stake in their future, but on the other hand… Why should they care? The political sphere isn’t exactly filled with role models and doesn’t obviously deliver direct benefits to the most self-centered age group in the most self-centered country in the world!

As teachers and community leaders in a post-modern world and a post-911 city, we should do our bests to put aside our disapproval of current events and motivate our students to understand their American privilege. We should make them feel lucky to live here. Perhaps we can even make a difference and inspire civic-mindedness which is needed for our country’s very survival. However, the “powers that be” are much more concerned about the math and science race which we will never win.

I happen to love America, but I had to move away for a year to gain the perspective in which that patriotism is founded. I was a spoiled youth, but I was excited to vote, when I was 18 years old. Nearly 20 years have gone by and disillusionment runs rampant. People may badmouth President Obama till they are blue in the face, but he did inspire and mobilize this country’s youth in numbers that have not been seen in many years. He used the power of the internet and social media to gain a grassroots following and promote a sense of hope where there was none.

When this editorial was published in 2004, George W. Bush was the figurehead of our culture of fear. In 2010, the fear is less but the techno-dependent generation has much more important things to worry about than Proposition 8; they have Facebook! Our kids care more about media than a disempowering public school system which aims to expose them to concepts they won’t really use. Social Studies was my favorite class in school, but I think that this campaign would be better off investing in social networking initiatives to activate the minds of Generation D. With the lonely reality of virtual reality, teacher’s should work even harder to build a real community in their classroom; that way when our students leave our classroom, they make better choices for their democratic consumption.

Classroom Applications:

As a secondary school teacher of “look at me, look at me” pre-teens with an ADHD up-to-the-minute awareness of the mundane, it is too easy to unapologetically take our future for granted. If we want our kids to give a crap, we have to know what they care about and connect to what they can do to protect it. That every kid knows how to recycle, well, that’s a good thing and that’s a good start! Motivation may come in a protective form… If education’s aim is preservation, it can be used wisely. I tell my kids that they have so much against them already so we have a lot of ground to cover. I am blunt because my urban kids demand it! Survival is the name of the game. I find myself saying, “you are going to get screwed, unless you learn to _________. (fill in the blank) (write a coherent letter, make change at the bodega, get everything in writing, know you rights, etc….)

I am trying to arm my students with the ammunition of information and that is much more palpable metaphor than a cherry tree. My kids learned about their Miranda Rights by watching Law & Order and they know what a petition is from logging on to Facebook, not studying a textbook which was obsolete after it went out to print. Media in the classroom is a social and educational imperative! A hard fact that they might lose their Metrocard or government assistance check if they don’t go out in vote is a practical demonstration of political representation. If I apply some pressure about something that quite clearly affects students personally, a student might find a use for voting after all. As educators and civil servants, we are bound by civics and we are able to harness civic mindedness on the micro-level to make an impact. Yes, the “Doom and gloom” of news sucks and threat of losing sucks, but it can always be worse! Also, it can be better!

Tips to motivate students to learn civics:

• Make it personal, relevant, authentic, and grassroots.
• Model civic-mindedness in the classroom by creating a community.
• Find a cause which encourages empowerment.
• Be truthful and make it fun.
• Use technology and lots of it.

References/Bibliography:

“A Civics Revival” The Boston Globe
September 12, 2004

On the Epistemology of Reflective Practice

2010-12-31T00:53:00.001-05:00

On the Epistemology of Reflective Practice

Teaching is not only governed by principles of effectiveness, but also by ethics, thus self-reflection is part of the pedagogical process. Due to the active nature of teaching, there is an “immediacy of practical acting” and pedagogical tact should be employed based upon the here and now. Teaching is completely interactive and requires nimble thoughtfulness! Teachers can plan innovative lessons with fascinating Big Ideas and agendas which calculate minutes, however we must also create a healthy and effective classroom culture. Classroom management can be planned but it has to be adapted based on the student population and teacher initiatives which we can remain consistent with throughout the year.

Given the reality of the classroom environment, teachers cannot simply slither into work and hide behind a computer. Sure, we can show a movie once and a while. Regardless of physical health, psychological well being, outside drama or inside struggles, when that bell rings, its ShowTime. Students are always watching and pick up on everything whether they understand it or not. We cannot “take a minute”; we must act in that second. Schön has suggested that phrases such as "thinking on your feet" and "keeping your wits about you" suggest not only that "we can think about doing something but that we can think about something while doing it." (2)

Reflection occurs instantaneously as we assess the ever-changing classroom environment. We must think fast, anticipate issues before they arise, and do our best to put out fires while outweighing other alternatives. Even for an energetic person like me, it is tiring to have to constantly be on.

There are several kinds of reflection; teachers should get into the good habit of reflecting after the fact in order to predict future outcomes. Retrospective reflection on (past) experiences differs importantly from anticipatory reflection on (future) experiences.” (3) Teaching is an active and dynamic process where class discussions evolve into tangents on life lessons or filling voids in background knowledge. They can bring about topics uncomfortable to teachers and students. As teachers, we should work to emphasize that which we deem important and be proactive about using our experience to improve future engagements.

The essay illustrates several in-depth accounts of the various daily responsibilities including the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to be a teacher. As quoted in the article, “the recurring theme in teacher testimonials is that the life if teaching is hectic.” (1) To say the least! From the moment I walk into school, I become a teacher, role model, actor, psychologist, nurse, babysitter, house mother, scientist, mathematician, inventor, writer, police officer, fashion consultant, cleaning lady, nutritionist, secretary, artisan, and much more. It’s completely overwhelming and totally rewarding. I have to teach curriculum while balancing all the other tasks in two hands. I think the school breaks were designed more to keep teachers sane than to give students a vacation and I am thankful for that because on a daily basis I feel crazy.

My kids are needy; they need love, life skills, and information they will not receive outside of school. Now that that teacher in me has been released, I can’t just turn off the teacher! I bring it home to plan. I take it out into the world where I have to hold back from teaching friends, family and random strangers on the street. It’s a consuming profession that takes every ounce of energy, large quantities of passion and a small dose of insanity just to get through the day. That having been said, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to spend my day with middle school kids. They inspire me and make me want to wake up in the morning to do it all over again!

(1) Van Manen, M. In: Teachers and Teaching: theory and practice.
Oxford Ltd.

(2) Schön, 1983, p. 54

A Way of Thinking about Teaching and Becoming a Teacher

2010-12-31T00:51:00.001-05:00

A Way of Thinking about Teaching and Becoming a Teacher

Just as the essay states, there is no there is no “golden key” or “silver bullet” (1) for learning to teach, however all successful teachers should possess the ability to think on their feet as well as always have a backup plan. Even those teachers with the greatest of all classroom management skills and expert lesson planning cannot predict student behavior and all of their personal educational needs. The concept of mētis referred to the article represents the practical skills and acquired intelligence in responding to a constantly changing natural and human environment is apropos. According to Scott, “knowing how and when to apply the rules of thumb in a concrete situation is the essence of mētis.” (2) Fluid adaptability is innate to some individuals and others must be acquired but it is an essential component of being a classroom teacher.

Last school year, I entered the classroom aiming to consistently implement creative and differentiated lesson plans and the reality is that they often didn’t work out. A short and intensive period of training and my own personal experience as a student was really all I was armed with. I love music so I was hoping to be able to use this love with ease in the classroom but my students with special needs prefer bookwork because it is comfortable for them. It is often difficult for them to take on more creative tasks because they reply outside of their comfort zone. In addition there are all the social pressures which arise. For example, I tried to use a few of my own musical selections to illustrate parts of the constitution for Social Studies, but the students got sidetracked because they didn’t know the song and also because they were 7th graders who felt the need to impress their classmates by ridiculing that which they didn’t understand. Day one of the lesson plan was made a mockery, so on day two; I completely revamped the project by having the students provide their own music. The lesson didn’t come out like I wanted it to, but I went with the flow and personally learned a valuable lesson.

Experience isn’t the only way in which a teacher will become effective; according to the essay, “mētis is a combination of knowledge derived from long-term observation and guesswork.” (1) Scott’s anecdote about his observation in Malaysia suggests that people learn from what they observe locally over a period of time. Mētis requires “being open to the complexity of the particulars in front of us and building imaginative bridges between what we may know generally and what a particular child or situation presents us with.” (1) Just as a scientist creates a hypothesis and then conducts experiments to either prove or disprove her/his point, new teachers (especially) experiment with techniques and create anecdotal evidence in order to adapt and implement future educational designs.

This year I’m teaching science and I haven’t taken nor have I observed a science class in over ten years. In order to “metamorphosize” myself into a 6th grade life science teacher, I dug back into my memories of science class, asked my students what they like about science, and I turned to science teachers in the building and asked them how I may adapt their lesson plans for my students. I’ve learned so far that what kids really like about science are the hands-on experiments. Now, I need to set up time to observe other teachers in action to learn more about managing this process. Teaching math for the second year in a row isn’t undaunting because I’ve observed student reactions to my lessons and other teachers. Best practices come from a collective effort.

I had a decade long career in public relations and media before I became a teacher (through alternative means) and I’ve never been challenged like this before. Teaching is the one profession where I am able to use all of my natural talents and life skills and yet those abilities are still not enough and I relish in that. There is always so much work to do; always more I can do; there are daily triumphs, and even more daily mistakes. It takes “true grit” to achieve excellence in this craft. In my former life I may have run my own business and had employees and billable hours, but I never utilized all of my talents and got bored with it.

Children are more complex than adults and they require so much energy; they never bore me. I used to function on 5 hours of sleep every night and now I need at least 7 and then sleep 10 hours one night of every weekend. Last year I was running on empty, but I learned so much in such little time, this year is more manageable thus far. Becoming a teacher by experience is at the heart of the alternative NYC Fellows program and I believe that I was selected largely because of my adaptive nature and the ability to roll with the punches. Via experience, one day I will accumulate the necessary skills to become an expert practitioner of the teaching craft.

(1) Traugh, C. (Date: Unknown). A Way of Thinking about Teaching and Becoming a Teacher

(2) Scott, J.C. (1998). Seeing Like a State: How certain schemes to improve the human condition have failed. New Haven: Yale University Press

Top 10 List of Things I’ve Learned in Positive Approaches to Challenging Behavior

2010-12-31T00:48:00.000-05:00

1. Self-contained classes must deviate from curriculum; create your own. Appeal to their interests or you won’t get them to be a team. Go with your gut to get their needs met. Make it purposeful and meaningful, do whatever it takes & makes it mean something.

2. “There is nothing as unequal as the equal treatment of un-equals.” Fairness means that everyone gets what he or she needs. Write that on the board on the first day of school and exclaim that it doesn’t mean that everyone gets the same treatment.

3. Ask for three volunteers at a time and call on people with an open hand. Never point.

4. Do not use red or orange pens for marking student errors; instead use green pens. The color green “turns that frown upside down” and decreases frustration, anxiety, & tension.

5. Humor really does work! For example a student says: “Miss, I can’t read.” Give them a piece of paper with words that say “Here, don’t read this.” See what happens…

6. Have students engage in role playing with the premise that children develop social skills through their interaction with peers. Students learn from taking on responsibilities.
7. Going off-topic is good, but come right back. Validate, address all questions/comments, and return to the lesson. Keep them on their toes and feeling relevant.

8. Be yourself; that way you can be quirky & people won’t get offended. People will instead say, “Oh, that’s just Ms/Mr.___!” If someone get’s offended, then apologize and mean it.

9. Create a class portfolio which includes at least one “Class Book Report.” View & critique films in 20 minute segments. Use to motivate & differentiate; it is standards based.

10. “Describe You” activity: We used a body shaped template to identify out physical, emotional and public traits and then another template to designate traits for our most challenging student. We circled the traits that hold us back and then the student’s. This activity demonstrated perception vs. interpretation. We pondered if that was us a child. Did we grow out of it? Suppose they did not and they may never grow out of it at all.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

2010-07-14T02:13:00.001-04:00

I'm working on a grad school analysis of personality tests and my brain is dead from research so I took a personality test on OKCupid. Here are my results:

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe Butt
Profile: ENFJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 23 Feb 2005

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ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!
Functional Analysis:

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.
The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.
Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.

Famous ENFJs:
David, King of Israel
U.S. Presidents:
Abraham Lincoln
Ronald Reagan
Barack Obama

William Cullen Bryant, poet
Abraham Maslow, psychologist and proponent of self-actualization
Ross Perot
Sean Connery
Elizabeth Dole
Francois Mitterand
Dick Van Dyke
Andy Griffith
James Garner
William Aramony, former president of United Way
Gene Hackman (Superman, Antz)
Dennis Hopper (Speed)
Brenda Vaccaro
Craig T. Nelson (Coach)
Diane Sawyer (Good Morning America)
Randy Quaid (Bye Bye, Love; Independence Day)
Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive)
Kirstie Alley ("Cheers," Look Who's Talking movies)
Michael Jordan, NBA basketball player
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Oprah Winfrey
Bob Saget America's Funniest Home Videos, Full House
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ("Seinfeld")
Ben Stiller (The Royal Tenenbaums)
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts quarterback
Matthew McConaughey (The Wedding Planner)
Pete Sampras, Tennis Champion
Lauren Graham ("Gilmore Girls")
Ben Affleck (The Sum Of All Fears)
John Cusack (High Fidelity)
Fictional ENFJs:
Joe Hackett, Wings
Copyright © 1996-2009 by Joe Butt

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Chat with fellow ENFJs at the ENFJ forum by PersonalityCafe.

Adolescent Sexual Identity in the Digital Age

2010-06-29T19:10:00.005-04:00

At any given moment on any given school day, I am able to look at one of my 7th grade students and know right away that they only have one thing on their brain; sex! As an educator, there is no real competition, sex wins over any subject! I can however try to make the best ethical educational decisions by my students and empathize with their lives.

Let’s face it… biologically, thirteen year olds are walking “hormone bombs” ready to explode at any minute and this has always been the case. In William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Juliet was merely 13 years old when she secretly married and copulated with young Romeo before their mutual suicide debacle. (Source 1) Not much has changed nature-wise since those days, however nurture-wise modern adolescents live completely different lives. In modern times, adolescents are bombarded by sexual images in every waking moment; toys, television, video games, commercials, websites, social networking, peer pressure, magazines, subway ads, clothing, and the list goes on and on and on… James Baldwin said “I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am also, much more than that. So are we all.” Kids today live in an over-sexualized age in which there is literally no escape from confusing and compelling exposure to sex. Thus, the construction of adolescent sexuality is very complex.

Sexual identity in adolescence makes up a major part of the overall identity of most adolescents; for others, it represents a smaller part. Most teens have both private and public sexual identities and both personas constitute sexual identity. Nowadays, even public identities have split because of we lie in the digital age. The sexual identity of an adolescent is neither fixed nor stable, and it generally changes over the course of the teen years and throughout a lifetime. (2) Sexual identity is complex in that it is determined by biological, physiological, psychological and sociological aspects.

Via nature, nurture or chemistry… sexual preferences and sexual-orientation comprise one of many of the aspects of sexual identity. Biologically, the capacity for physical pleasure, sex drive, and the level of physical development change through experience over time. Physiologically, fertility and reproductive aspects also affect sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, orientation is not one and the same as gender roles. These are characteristics and behaviors defined by society and specific cultures as appropriate for members of each sex. Culture, especially popular culture, affects adolescent gender roles and sexual identity directly. Societal beliefs such as spirituality also affect sexual behaviors such as masturbation, intercourse, and a whole range of activities.

Psychologically, self-esteem and how one views one’s self is a huge component of sexual identity. Adolescents are especially susceptible to peer pressure because their public reputation is the central guiding force to their existence. In addition, there is the creative mind or the fantasy life of an individual which also affects desire and desirability. Personality is also a determinant which includes personal style, including how one makes sexual decisions, takes risks, creates adventures, and drives exploitations. Life events including the loss of a parent, friend, or partner fit into the sexual puzzle. Trauma can cause long-term and life-altering affects. (2)

Dr. Sigmund Freud believed that normal human sexual development is frequently checked by parental control and social coercion. (3) As important as relationships with parents, sexual partners and friends in the construction of an adolescent’s sexual identity, Freud could not even begin to imagine the effects which traditional and new media would have upon human sexuality.

Modern sexuality is a more complex subject for all teens because sexual images are everywhere. Frequently, the idea of sex provokes much larger questions about the nature of existence, the meaning of life and other philosophical issues.
Within our age of heightened virtual media exposure, sexual imagery causes real world problems for adolescents. Angst is on backburner because we have way more damaging concerns to contend with. Technology enables body image degradation, teen pregnancy, “sexting” and sexual predators and there are many more issues. Today, the ever presence of human sexuality is at its visible peak! (Pardon the pun.) What to do? What to do? We can’t put our kids in a bubble, so what can we do? Educate them, of course!

Turning a blind eye to the easiness of online sexual predator behavior is not going to work. On June 8th, 2010, the U.S. Senate proclaimed June as “National Internet Safety month,” a nationwide effort to raise public awareness of potential online threats. At the forefront of this effort, Mayor Bloomberg and The Department of Education in partnership with Microsoft produced “Clicking with Caution;” a DVD video series distributed to about 200,000 middle-school students in New York City.(4) One of the four short films on the disk was created to educate adolescents and teenagers against online predators. It’s a riveting film which was produced and created in NYC. Watching it with my students was definitely a step in the right direction.

So, now we have a month dedicated to internet safety that sounds good. There are also available resources to educate students on the dangers of the internet, but then we have new phenomena known as “sexting” and we still have the old school overexposure through traditional media. As Gil Scott Heron says, “The revolution will not be televised, the revolution is live.” Now, more than ever, things are live and instantaneous; we cannot just kill the television and make it all go away! Emerging technologies necessitate new laws to protect adolescents. The issues of sexual misconduct in this arena are so complex, yet there is a lot of gray area on the issues of online child pornography and the new proposed legislation comes dangerously close to Big Brother. New technologies have brought about new ways to get your rocks off and new ways to discover your sexuality, but governing these “private” matters is a public concern when it pertains to children.

While students attempt to construct their sexual identities, educators play a role whether they like it or not. They can, like me, decide to watch warning videos with their students or they can say nothing at all. Either way, an educator is sending a message. Often, I find myself overwhelmed by the sexual curiosity of my students. Ethical decision-making happens in moments. Although, I would like to be honest with my students, I am not quite sure if honesty is the best policy at times, because even though I wasn’t always a teacher, I am now a role model. Both male and female students have asked me for sexual advice and although I would like to have an open dialogue with my kids, I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and lose my job. I can remember what it was like to be in middle school, without mobiles devices and without the internet. Now, I know what it is like to be an adult with access to everything. As an educator, I need to strike a balance and create a safe place for students who are trying to figure it all out.

Bibliography

1. Play: “Romeo and Juliet” William Shakespeare
2. Book: "The Sex Lives of Teenagers” Lynn Ponton, M.D. (2000)
3. Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy: http://www.iep.utm.edu/freud/#H4
4. Press Release: The City of New York Office of the Mayor (June 7, 2010) http://www.scribd.com/doc/32668444/Clicking-With-Caution-press-release

home-girl!

2010-06-20T18:03:00.006-04:00

Three hours on the phone with my home-girl!
This loved one lives far away.
Life is not so easy, but its awesome...

I talk to her.
She knows our history.
And what I looked like back then.
She is a part of me, she knew my was-been.
I know how she thinks.
I have visions.
We've moved, beached, grooved.
We don't have to talk every week to know she's close to me.
I'll go anywhere she wants to go because I trust her.
She's my home-girl!

On the phone or in person we always enjoy our herbs.
We just have that understanding and know what living is worth.
Traveler, lovely hippy kid.
A true artist...
Cognitive spiritual strategist.
A woman who generously cooks
Makes and fixes things with her own two hands
But by the time, she makes a decision
She could make a tree grow.

She loves the earth.
She loves the sea.
She's smiling big and openly
She's my home-girl.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

2010-06-17T23:34:00.006-04:00

Some Sundays are special, but not all can be that way or we wouldn't see the rainbow in the random puffy cloud of life. Sunday brunches make me smile; a little a coffee, a little cocktail, a little time to just relax... I have to admit, I dream of a "Sunday Kind of Love." I'm not a Sunday's Child, but I'm romantic all around. There's nothing better than waking up on a Sunday next to that special someone who wants to make your breakfast! I love spending the day in the park with a friend as well as holding hands with a lover in the grass... These are moments of my fancy and these are the Sundays that keep me moving on to Mondays with ease.

Many Sundays are dedicated to cleaning house, running personal errands, doing homework, and basically getting ready for the week ahead. I am detaching from the work week as I speak. Lucky me, I've had two magical Sundays in a row and I have another one planned. Both so far have involved well-timed rain storms.

A few weeks ago, I spent the day at Governors Island with a companion. It used to be a military base which protected NYC back in the day. Now it is the public property of City Parks and Wildlife and is used as a concert area and a beautiful park with the best vistas of Lady Liberty on the planet! On this Island between Brooklyn, Manhattan and Staten Island, we melted into a hammock staring out at the Statue of Liberty. She revealed what felt like a momentary hurricane. We tried to stick it out in our tree swing, but we had to run for cover and it was lovely there.

Last Sunday was epic! It began with the Big Apple BBQ Fest where we relished ribs and listened to good psychobilly music. It got too crowded to stand on line for a side item so we let our feet do the walking... I predicted it would rain as soon as we got to the waterfront. On our Eastward journey, we happened upon a street fair where we got exactly what we craved, corn-on-the-cob from the grill. It sustained us all the way to the river... There, we saw lots of people waiting on line for an unknown event and it turned out to be a celebration of "interracial partnership equality," go figure!

As I suspected, it began to rain but just in time we found a pagoda overlooking the East River. Safe in our Sunday shelter we sat and watched the world go by. A drenched dog owner took shelter and told us a miraculous story about this Mocking Bird that was dive-bombing dogs in the park the past month. She pointed her out and told us how this bird had gone after her pooch several times. Apparently dog owners talk and it seems that this bird is protecting her nest. Funny, but she doesn't go after humans, only dogs. I bet she was cat in her former life.

Then, this Muslim woman took her umbrella and raised it up into a wild blackberry bush to pick the fruits and eat them immediately. We copied her genius and picked some blackberries of our own. The black of the berries dyed my companion's hands a tad bit, but the juice was perfectly sweet, distinctly fresh, and a welcome treat. Afterward, we crashed the random party and I danced a little. Then we caught a funny movie and I ended the day by watching True Blood and drinking delicious red wine with my best friend.

This Sunday, my companion and I are going to check out the historical landmark, Greenwood Cemetery. It is just South of Prospect Park, contains the highest point in Brooklyn, and was built in 1838. I have a map and a reference booklet so I'm ready to take it all in and hopefully have a picnic amongst the fortunate dead. There are famous people, beautiful tombs, and amazing views of NYC. I have a feeling that this outing will make three magical Sundays in a row... No rain is in the forecast and we probably won't need to seek shelter. However, Basquiat and Boss Tweed are calling me over to spend Sunday within their realm.

My First Year as a Teacher

2010-06-08T10:43:00.002-04:00

My first year as a special education teaching fellow with almost no experience coming into the classroom is drawing to a close and I can definitively say that this year was the hardest one of my life. Before I even set foot in the classroom, I had a vision of what kind of teacher I would be and even though I try and try, I’m at the end of year one and I have so far to go. This year was filled with inquiry, experimentation, frustration, uncertainty, perspiration, disbelief, self-doubt and the kind of exhaustion I’ve never felt before. Although I tried to balance my life with my new responsibilities, there was little space for anything else. With pride for both my accomplishments and defeats, I am relieved that this year is almost over and I am looking forward to metamorphosing into the kind of teacher I had envisioned with each coming year.

Gazing into the microscope of my daily life as a new teaching professional, the light reflects upon social commitment. It is the core value which inspired me to become a teacher in the first place and it is the Long Island University's KEEPS claim in which I will focus this self-examination. Specifically, Social Commitment 1: Students understand their role and responsibility in advocating for equitable and appropriate educational services for children and their families

In the beginning, it started with a leap of faith in a hard economy. I believed I would make a good teacher; an educator who creates a ripple effect, one child at a time. The NYC Teaching Fellows was in agreement and welcomed me into the most select group of Fellows since the program’s inception. It was astonishingly difficult, but I survived the Fellows boot camp and concurrently finished two special education courses. Then, it was time to get a job. The economy was bleak and securing a position was a rollercoaster ride! Out of sheer desperation I accepted the first position I was offered. Instinctually I knew that CHAH was not in line with my vision, but I took the job because I was afraid I wouldn’t get another opportunity.

This “vision” which I refer to is comprised of human and civil rights; it is a combination of resource allocation for teachers, students and the administration alike. Students and teachers should be treated with dignity and compassion, given access to resources that they need, feel empowered, encouraged, and supported by the administration. No one should be setup for failure by not being given access to resources. Both students and teachers require a support system for academic, social and emotional needs. It is also my belief that everyone can and will learn if given access to the right tools. Learning does not come from an out-of-the-box solution and no one should be treated as a number. In the urban reality of NYC, people are dealt a precarious hand of instability and fear. When a student enters the classroom, they deserve consistency, safety and compassion.

While at CHAH, I was crippled; unable to advocate for myself or provide an ethical learning environment for my students and thus I secured a release. Back on that rollercoaster of job uncertainty, but free from an oppressive teaching environment, I met with many schools and qualified each before I landed in an institution inline with my vision, MS51. The comparison of CHAH and MS51 is the yin and yang and schools. As a result of teaching at a dysfunctional school, I don’t take one day of teaching at MS51 for granted. As a 12:1:1 teacher at MS51, I fully understand my role and responsibilities in advocating for impartial and appropriate educational services for children and their families and uphold this claim in many ways.

One way in which I advocate for my students is in regards to related services. Although, my school doesn’t have a full-time Speech, ESL, or School Psychologist and counselors, we do have these professionals available weekly. Working in conjunction with support staff, my students receive the related services that they need. I make sure that all of my students are getting serviced according to their current IEPs. If I feel that they require other related services or changes to existing services, I propose these changes. For example, I felt that two of my students weren’t being properly counseled in a group setting so I altered their IEPs and arranged for individual counseling instead. I also meet with our psychologists and give them updates as per my observation. Another example is when I alerted my support staff and administration of an issue where a student was not in the proper class setting. The staff was extremely receptive, agreed with my decision, facilitated meetings, and reopened the student’s IEP. I did everything within my power to have that student placed in an optimal learning environment. In partnership with my support staff, I gave the parents all the information necessary to make an informed decision but ultimately the parents didn’t want him to change placements because it would mean that he would have had to change schools. These were not the results that I had hoped for, but I did the right thing, my school supported me, and we kept it moving.

Another way in which I support equitable educational services for my students and their families is that I seek out opportunities to educate students inside and outside of the classroom by taking field trips. In a small class setting within a general education school, it’s important that my students not feel stigmatized and so we take field trips with general education classes as well as other special education classes. Some of these trips are based on curriculum and some are just fun and free. More importantly, field trips get kids out into the world and they need that. Most of them do not have the financial means to leave their neighborhoods very often and I partner with other teachers to make this happen. On one instance, I advocated for a trip against another teacher’s wishes because he thought it would lower their standardized test scores. My students may have had one less day of test prep, but they got to go to a farm to explore colonial life and the natural world. In the grand scheme of things, that was an experience that they will remember and take with them.

My role in teaching students with emotional disabilities is never easy. There are moments when it’s so hard that I ask myself why I do it, but then I remember this is quite simple. My role is to be someone whom they trust. Yes, I love teaching curriculum and I’m shocked how much passion I have for teaching math, but the most important thing I can provide for my students is a safe environment filled with compassion, love and understanding. I believed this mission coming into the field and nothing will change my mind. Sometimes I make mistakes and lose my cool, but I always regain my composure, apologize if necessary, and show them love because that’s what they need more than anything! Often, giving love to troubled students means ignoring natural tendencies and not taking what they say personally. My students regularly lash out at me, but that’s because they trust me and know that I won’t hurt them. To deal with the abundance of daily crises I contend with, I seek out opportunities for professional training. I just finished a 6 week Saturday PD called LSCI, Life Space Crisis Intervention, and it has taught me ways to manage challenging situations. Techniques that I learned from LSCI go directly back into my classroom to make me a better teacher and get closer to my goals.

As I continue to develop my teaching identity, I am cultivating experiential learning and formal training. Becoming a master at this craft is one of my truest desires and so I remain flexible and malleable taking in positive feedback as well as constructive criticism. I whittled down some of my initial class rules and selected to remain consistent with the most important ones. It’s a long year and I’m trying my best to pick my battles wisely in respect to the kids and the grownups. My innate adaptability serves me well to improve my teaching and win over allies within the school. Before I was a teacher, I was a team player; I can get along with just about everyone. With the best interest of students in mind, I have drawn more bees into my honeycomb.

Remaining limber and understanding students’ individual needs is the mark of a good teacher. I love children and will do whatever is within my power to protect them. Recently and for the first time this year, I met with my principal for the sole purpose of advocating for a student by raising opposition against another teacher’s actions. The teacher is ostracizing the student and not allowing him to enter his classroom. This is a boy who was abandoned by his mother, has a drug addict father and gets tossed around from relative to relative. He is critically ED, takes medication for anger management and impulse-control, and typically withdraws from classroom work. This is a child who needs to be treated with love and compassion. He trusts me and my classroom paraprofessional and so we get him to do his work. On the other-hand, my colleague is taking the opposite approach, even going as far as to brainwash the other boys in the classroom against this boy. I took a personal day and this teacher took it upon himself to come into my classroom and “observe” this student; in other words, intimidate him.

When I spoke with my principal and told her what was going on, she told me she was relieved that I came to her, that I was doing the right thing by this student and that I share the same views as all the administrators. It is imperative to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. This teacher is now being forced to let the child back into the class and I am encouraging the student to have a positive attitude and make the best of the situation. I can’t work miracles, but I can do my part to support my students. I hope that the frightening budgetary issues facing the DOE will not affect my employment status and I will have the opportunity to continue my mission to be an advocate and to teach the children well.

I am one... I am only one.

2010-05-28T02:05:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I'm bound to fly...
I like the flying part but the airport sucks me dry.
Waiting on line coming unglued, nobody is there to hold up my shoes.
Tonight, my bags are packed and I'm still wide awake
Anxiety of facing faces and being pleasantly fake.
At home I am with everything I need...
Except someone to love me patiently.

I am one... I am only one.
You are two, so what am I supposed to do about that?

On the other side of this plane ride I will be reminded I'm single.
And people will force me to smile, small-talk and mingle.
Divorce is such an ugly word they don't dare mention it.
Eventually it will fade but not until I marry again.
Until then, I am illegitimate.

I am one... I am only one.
You are two, so what am I supposed to do about that?

No Sex in the Pity

2010-05-23T02:26:00.004-04:00

In the immortal words of Sam Cooke... Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody... I mean I got two "marriage proposals" from odd strangers in two different boroughs, was checked out all around the city, but then I came home alone and that sucks sucks sucks!!! No kisses in a long time and I am feeling so lonely!

All I can figure is that I'm not out there enough... with working full-time and grad school at night, it has made it hard to be "out there". I'm a cutie, sexy, hilarious, edgy but mature, smart as hell, and a good person. Far from perfect, but I bring a lot to the table! I love NYC, so why don't NYC love me back!?

I used to meet people all the time, but somehow I lost my balls or started putting off some kind of anti-vibe which keeps me in a bubble. I guess my standards went up as well. Who knows the complexities of my romantic problem? All the wrong men talk to me all of the time and the right men just look for while and don't say nuthin'. Hello there, cute 30something man with a job and a brain... would you please, just talk to me... because I may look confident but I'm actually shy and I need love!

The thought of going to my niece's Bat Mitzva next weekend stresses me out! Everyone is going to ask me about my non-existant love life and nobody is interested in my accomplishments like how I got a full ride to grad school. As James Brown says, "this is a man's world" and an overeducated woman without a man by her side gets pity, not praise, and I just hate that shit!!!

Damnit, where are you? I'm ready, ready now!!!

Uncrossed is the Forecast

2010-05-22T02:23:00.003-04:00

Were the stars properly aligned today? Maybe it was La Luna Del Waxing Gibbous helping all the lunatics in my life to find a little peace. This Virgo moon didn't own this day and it's strong footprint didn't illuminate that which weren't already in motion.

Perhaps it was the bright sun of this glorious day that rotated away from the dark cloudy skies and let us open our eyes to the luminescence within?! Nah... Because the sun took the blues away, but it couldn't steal my wind. I'm in the black again. This feeling that I relish is as uncrossed as the weather forecast.

I'm not drifting; I move in my place under wondrous celestial bodies in spaces unattained. If I had one "Ah Hah moment!" these past few weeks then I had more than a few, so let's just call it a deadass breakthrough!

This sunny day produced a letter of conscience from a student I never expected to reach. I realize that may sound bad, but fuckedupness is reality so his articulation means so much more to me! He received validation and praise and I could see his needy spirit was gleefully raised.

There is so much pollution in this atmosphere, but then there are beautiful days like these... which make me believe I made the right decision to teach!

We Are We...

2010-05-13T19:55:00.006-04:00

Dream of me if you dare.
You pass by blindly everywhere.
The weather inevitably warmed outside,
Still inside here I am.
When I walk I move purposely,
But I would stop for you.
That you that I don’t know.
Where the hell are you?
When are you?
Why are you concealed?
You know I can’t invent your soul;
You must gravitate this way!
On a day when traffic stopped,
So that I could pass by.
It’s not like everyday I feel this beauty.
How I wanted you to notice me by my light.
So make it so,
And start with my toes.
Up through the top of my knees...
Enter the heart chakra.
Beating faster,
Because you are close,
And we are we…

More like Sunshine than Salt Water

2010-05-05T01:47:00.008-04:00

At a house gathering in celebration of (almost) finishing one year of teaching and the ending of a year course of observation and reflection, we all shared laughter with BBQ and alcohol. I told a story about a 13 year old student in my class who craps his pants nearly every day and how hard it is to teach when it smells like crap. It isn't really a funny story, but it's dark comedy, bah dump chah... We all laughed at the horror of this reality and several other teachers thanked me, they felt better, at least they don't have to smell and clean up human shit from a student's chair. I mentioned that it was much better to laugh then to cry which is how it sometimes makes me feel and I looked into the eyes of someone I knew who knew what I meant.

The sentiment triggered a memory about a friend twenty years ago when I was in high school. Memories like seashells wash onto the beach when a wave of familiar words kick up the sand from underneath. Anyhow, back to the memory from sophmore year high school government... We were having a discussion with another classmate who was an acquaintance. This student said something about how I always looked so happy. Then my oldest living friend said the words I'll never forget... "Yeah, Nancy's a great actress!" This was a friend I had many sleepovers with; I used to run away to her place where her mother would gladly cook for us and let us control the TV and the radio and I felt safe there. These days, this friend won't even talk to me. When I think about her, it feels like a piece of myself is missing. She's mad because I bailed out of being in her wedding because I had just separated from my husband (at the time) and I couldn't fake it (I couldn't act the part) on her big day and she hasn't forgiven me since.

Smiling and laughing feels really good, especially when you don't really feel all that great. It can change things for a bit and it can even change things for a long time. Smiling and laughing can do wonders in an instant. I don't ever fake it, I'd just rather be more like sunshine than salt water.

There are these strange groups of laughing clubs around the world and they practice fake laughter for the soul. Not long ago I saw a segment on 60 Minutes and witnessed it first-hand Sunday in Central Park. Apparently, when released into the body, endorphins from real laughter and forced laughter are one in the same. I can't see myself ever needing to join a group like this because I'm an expert at entertaining myself without prefabricated choreography.

There are things in my life I do control!

2010-04-27T20:40:00.003-04:00

There is chaos all around me and there is little I control... my own body, my own home, yeah, that's about all. I have my own space in this world and it's my Brooklyn apartment. I decorated it to my liking, all the closets are filled with my stuff and my cat is allowed in every room. I can watch TV till I feel like turning it off and I can dance around to my turntable music as long as I don't piss the neighbors off. I can walk around in my undergarments or I can have naked time. I can cook malodorous foods and go to sleep when I choose. It's the only place I have control of.

And then there is my body; the only body that I make the rules for. With this body, I choose what to eat and when to move it around. I can treat it nicely because that's what it deserves. I can dress it up or dress it down. I can put ink under my skin and rings in my ears and when it hurts I give it medicine. This body of mine doesn't work too well at times so I take it to the doctor and ask for some help. Control over my body and my living space keeps me feeling OK with the stuff I can't control.

Everyone else is part of the great chaos and I must accept that there is only so much I can do. I can't pick my family and I can't fix them. I can't pick my students and I can't fix them either. I can save myself and I can make repairs as needed. I can plan my day from morning to night, but I can't plan for things not turning out right. There are other people in this world and who knows what they will do. They have their own bodies and they have their own needs and their own spaces to go home to.

Life Space Crisis Intervention

2010-04-23T19:44:00.007-04:00

The most troubled people aren't motivated to seek self-improvement programs, but to seek ways to justify their faulty thinking. Denial, regression, sublimation, displacement, projection, conversion, and rationalization are all defense mechanisms which keep people in crisis "safe" and separate.

Perceptions drive thoughts and thoughts drive feelings and feelings drive behavior. Behavior proves that nothing comes from nothing...

It must feel frustrating to believe the world is against you! It must feel sad to think you're all alone! What happened? How did it make you feel? What happened next? Has this happened before? Is there another way you could have handled things??? What can you do next time?

In a crisis, the options are to permit it, tolerate it, stop it or prevent it. As adults, we make our own decisions. We cannot blame others for our actions so we must take ownership over our behavior. Change, however, is the hardest thing to accomplish in this world, but change is what we need the most!

With a myriad of human emotions, hope is the scariest of them all because hope comes with the risk of disappointment.

Reality via Mental Proxy

2010-04-12T22:09:00.010-04:00

We’re friends, right!?
We’ve shared some good memories?
I can’t recall any at this moment in time,
but I want you to know that I care about your life.
Well, I love the pictures on my fridge! (They help me fake it.)
It’s just so hard; I am in an unbearable amount of pain!
(It goes on and on and on and on....)
Did I ask you for your advice?
You’re not being polite!
Let’s just keep it light.
Don’t speak.
It’s so hot outside!
You know I love you, right?
Can you imagine not sleeping in months? I haven’t slept at all!
And I hurt every waking moment which is all the time!
And I can’t breath! I tell you, I’ve been butchered and maimed!!!
You know I just love that self-portrait of you!
I look at it all the time… I treasure it.
So… you have a date tonight? Who is he?

Just Say No!

2010-03-24T21:55:00.002-04:00

You're not alone, my brother! It is wonderful to hear that after all these years, you started to speak up. That just goes to show, that it's never too late. I created a geographical barrier, but you can set up shields in your front-yard by just saying no. I'm a survivor and I am still angry and I'm a master of creating boundaries. You can build a force-field.

When she says something fucked up... tell her that it is not OK. It is not OK to act that way! Keep reinforcing it, she needs professional help! Tell her that or don't pick up! She calls you 17 times a day to manic out and scream and shout about whatever crisis she is trapped in in that particular moment. Fight back in that moment and then walk away. Let her think about it for a bit... Let her stew... But save yourself! Do a little bit (not a lot) of what I do... Create ground rules...She leans on you because you are sweet and kind and don't want to hurt people. But, standing up for yourself doesn't have to hurt you, it can heal you. She is who she is, but that's not enough!

She sucks the life from you and then for a moment, she will convince you that it is OK. But pity is not helping anyone.... it is a self-destructive force to pity someone. Instead of pity, either take action or turn the other cheek. Take a step back by taking a stand! If you tell her what she doesn't want to hear, then she will back away.

You've started to stand up for yourself. That's a good thing! Keep it up! Holding your tongue all this time could not have been healthy for your tummy. Laughing things off is a talent I've seen you possess, but its not funny anymore, its tragic. As a family unit, we ask you to take the temperature gages... be the eyes and ears but don't regularly immerse yourself in her mess. Just say no! Lean on me...You can't take care of anyone unless you take care of yourself first. I love you!

Someone Else's Bubbeh

2010-03-08T20:15:00.003-05:00

Standing at a bus stop, waiting for a bus to take me to the main public library of Brooklyn. I was too exhausted to walk up the the long avenues on such a cold and wet March afternoon. An old lady walked up and asked me if I could see the bus down the slope. I could not and I told her that I had just missed the bus when I walked around the corner. She dropped a metrocard out of her hand as she resettled her belongings. I picked it up... Then she dropped an umbrella. I picked that up as well and handed it back to her. She was grateful and it was nothing but pleasure to me. She reminded me of my own tiny little grandmother whom we called Bubbeh.(pronounced bubby) Bubbeh is a Yiddush word for grandmother. This bubbeh was short, well-groomed and spoke with a Yiddush accent just like mine. She was someone else's bubbeh I thought.

We got to talking and it came up that I was special ed teacher who worked with emotionally disturbed kids. She told me stories of other special educators who she knew of and the injuries that they had suffered as a result of thrown objects and all the fighting in the classroom. I could relate and I told her that there were fights in my class on a regular basis and that there was one that day. It was one of those days where a kid goes out into the hallway and fashions a weapon from a metal plate off the bottom of a computer desk. The moon was full and the hormones and emotions were on high.

It was just about 4:00pm and she told me I needed to go home straight away and get into bed and get some rest. I needed to protect myself and make sure I got enough sleep to handle things. That was exactly what I wanted to do, but I needed to return my library book first. She offered to do it for me... said it was no problem, she lived right across the street from the library. She told me not to worry; her name was Mrs. Schuman and her son was a doctor and daughter was a lawyer and she was indeed someone else's bubbeh!

She had just come back from the beauty parlor where she went once a month. I thought of my father picking up my grandmotherto get hair done. I thought of her small vanity with pride. At the Beauty Parlor, they dyed her hair and teased it into a bouffant and then they gave her a pedicure. This bubbeh, Mrs. Schuman, was just like her but instead of coming to this new world through Mexico, she went through Ellis Island and stayed in New York. I gave her my book, thanked her, kissed her on the cheek, smiled and ambled home.

minutia and deep thoughts of an active mind with too much going on all at once...

2009-10-24T11:02:00.006-04:00

The light outside is dull and drab. The clouds are bringing me down. I'm supposed to pack to move to a new apartment and also work on an important grad school project that is due in a just a few days, but my mind is scattered and unmotivated. I'm trying to drink enough coffee to get me to move to do the things I desperately need to do. The thoughts roll through my head like the streams of light from passing traffic. Then I worry about my mother. Then I think about all the food in my freezer I need to eat. All the crap in my apartment that needs to be boxed up, wrapped tight, organized and thrown away. Where have all the sharpies gone? Long time passing. Where have all the sharpies gone? Long time ago.

Then I worry about my mother again, but I can't do anything but send her my love and listen as she nervously rambles away. Talking herself out of her normal hysteria and trying to remain calm, well the closest to calm she gets. Should I give thanks for who I am because I am half of her? Should I worry that I will get the same dreaded disease? No, not now. I have other things to occupy me.

I have a date tonight and I want to act like everything is A-OK. I've known this guy for some time and I like him and it's not like I have to create a first impression. He's thought I was cool since the moment we shook hands. Still, we don't know eachother well enough for me to let down my guard. I can't just blurt out in the middle of our first official date... "Hey, did you know that it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Well it is and my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this week. Yes, its terrible news! But, of all the people I know in this world my mom is the hardest fighter and I know she will be OK." That's just not the kind of thing you say on a first date! It should be saved for at least the second date, right!?

Then I go back to the mental check-list... I've changed my addresses with my bank, credit cards, gas company, electric, cable, Newseek, InStyle, Entertainment Weekly... Now, I've told the world that I am moving somewhere... Where do I begin my packing? My apartment is chaos.

And back to school... How do I get the energy to produce genius in the form of an authentic curriculum project? I don't even know what I'm going to do. My math motivational "Do Now" from Friday was "What goes around comes back around." Upon seeing my students' reflections in words and picture form, the lesson seemed to work. The kids thought about karma and the physicality of circles. My favorite lessons are life lessons with content sprinkled in. It was "mathy" and they got the point to be good and good things will happen to you. They uderstood that a circle has no beginning and no end. Ah yes...no end, no end... there's no end to the amount of work I have to do right now. Instead of getting right into it, I cooked a leisurely breakfast and now I'm writing a blog. OK, I have till noon to fuck around and then I get down to business!

Writing and thinking does help. I've made a decision. I will have take a personal day on Friday to be ready to move that afternoon. And another load off my mind is that I booked a ticket to San Antonio for Thanksgiving. I really need to be with my mom and my whole family right now. I miss them deeply. Even though I have the best of friends here, there is no replacment for my parents or my siblings.

Oh God... I'm freaking out...should I ask my professor if I can have an extension? My mind is like a baby rattle! At least I'm glad I that ate loads of fiber yesterday! Like a circle, my mind has no beginning and no end.

You're a serial-killer on the loose!

2009-10-09T07:55:00.003-04:00

When we were together, I thought I was special to be your girl. You lavished me in love I didn't think possible. You suffocated me in reverse. Took away my breath when you went away. My first reaction was not to trust a person that gave them self away so quickly, but I didn't want to be that non-believer and I gave in and trusted you. My heart had been broken ages ago and I had to let that damage go. But, real heartbreak never fully disappears, it just shrinks down to a size that fits in a file. In this system of threat/non-threat, I can pull the folder out and reminisce for a while about how I got duped again.

You were careless with your "heart" and gave it to me like a scene from a sappy movie. I was in ecstasy when you handed me that silver pressed heart coin and told me that you'd been saving it for someone special to give your heart to. I carried that sweet token of cheese around with me everywhere for the better part of 4 months. You were even more careless with my heart for it was just a place-marker. You made me feel special, but I could have been anyone, you were just ready to feel something and I was there to make it happen.

The corpse isn't even cold yet but you have already moved on to another warm body. You didn't wait a week before you leaped into another woman's space. You didn't honor anything we had or mourn it in any way. Meanwhile, I cried for a month's time. I have the wrinkles under my eyes to prove it and you have a new girlfriend.

By the end of our relationship, you didn't want to do anything nice for me. You wanted to bind me quite literally and not look into my face. It was tragic how you shamed me as I was looking for a position and you wanted to go shopping but not in front of me so you asked me to meet you outside. It was a complete 180 from your honeymoon generosity. You took me to the grocery store so I could buy necessary items. I wanted to cook for you, but you wanted to sit outside and avoid anything domestic with me. You brought over your computer to steal my music but I didn't make time for that. I had nothing else to give but my love and that you used up in a span of a season.

You thanked me for opening your heart, for showing you how love felt, but it was all an illusion like your warmth. I thought you were warm and kind but you are cold and cruel and full of crap. After my month of heartache, I just wanted to let it go and be friends. I missed you because you left a void. I called you because I wanted to see if we could actually be friends, I also wanted to give you back that stupid coin. I wanted you to have your heart, I didn't want it anymore and I didn't think it was right to toss it. I'm so glad I called first, because I saved myself the public humiliation I might have endured to see you with another. I wanted to hear you missed me but you never missed me, you just replaced me. I wanted to be your friend but you're sick. You don't even know who your friends are. I was your friend and look what you did to me.

From one girl to the next, you're not just a serial-monogamist, you're a serial-killer on the loose! You killed your wife, then you killed me and now you're on to your next victim. What you really need is time to be alone with yourself but that would make you confront the lack of yourself and that is something you have never done. Your alcoholic tendencies amounted to a poor escape, but you gave that up and now you use people to avoid your demons. What you really need is years and years of therapy. Hey killer, I'm the living dead and I limp about without a heart. But, I know the truth and I want it back. I want every moment I gave to you back. Whoever said that crap about love and loss and losing is a dead sophomoric moron.

Love Shopping Over-Easy

2009-10-08T21:35:00.004-04:00

It's not authentic.
It isn't real!
Too good to be true,
Because it really isn't true!

You can't see the glimmer in my eye,
Or the feel of my awesome vibe.
Your nose can't savor my sexy scent.
I'm not a snapshot under false light,
F@#$k'n Photoshoped for public site.

I'm all human,
Multi-dimentionial.
Moving in space.
And this narrow place
Don't mean a thing!
It's not love shopping,
It's just over-easy.

Warm and Kind

2009-10-08T17:46:00.004-04:00

It's cold and I feel it from my heart to my bones. I know there is something I can't see but I can feel it when its gone. I went to the dentist because a filling fell out and she called me sweetheart and brushed me with her legs and arms. It was the first time in over a month that I felt tenderness; I felt cared for. How sad is that? My dentist gave me comfort and I don't see comfort in the horizon but I know I want it.

Its a chilly autumn day outside and the warmth I felt was from my dentist. A brave and sentimental one; I made it all the way home to Brooklyn. I closed the front door to my building but I didn't even make it up the stairs to my apartment before the tears streamed over my face. I wish I was coming home to a human who is warm and kind but there is no one here but my pets.

You're Dumb 2010

2009-09-24T22:39:00.000-04:00

Bait and switch and I just can't stop... bitching about something so shitty. Give me no support and no power and I will give you something you really need. Take that, Mutherfucker! Didn't change everything in my life to burn out like a flame. What's good? Not much! You're dumb.

I'm a Capricorn!

2009-09-09T18:53:00.007-04:00

How can I close my heart and open my lungs?
Because all of a sudden I think and I can't breath.
Something so strong can't be easily undone
And bear emptiness underneath.
You were sprung like a street light signal,
But it didn't say to walk away.
It is a sour dose of all or nothing.
Only an ex-alcolohic can be so disembodied.

My breath stays inside growing bubbles of trapped air,
Salt from my insides spurt out like the fire hydrant on my block.
I found myself staring at the clock on my mobile device.
Blinking my eyes to search for blinking lights.
I'm a Capricorn - I always need purpose!
A good reason to go to bed and then wake up.
My world is my world and I have lots of space on the top.
With some nights alone and my left ventricle glued.
I want to breath again and touch you!

Talking with the local drag queen was the highlight of my holiday weekend.

2009-09-07T15:11:00.006-04:00

Last week was rough. I went through a break-up, Whatever... Anyway, we're not together and it really sucks. Then, I got a job and I didn't really want to take it because it may ultimately make me move back to Manhattan and I've come to love where I live in Brooklyn. Also, I'm having trouble being happy about finally securing a teaching position because the person who was there for me through the Fellowship training and job seeking process is no longer around. Then, I sprained my ankle while I was out celebrating getting a job with the Fellows.

All ten of the Fellows that came out to have drinks had landed teaching positions. So, before the chaos of our new professional lives began, we took some time to enjoy ourselves. We went to the Alligator Lounge in Williamsburg where you get a free personal pizza with every drink. Its a great spot if you're on a budget or not. On Thursdays, there is a hipster karaoke in the backroom and although I kind of dislike karaoke, hipster karaoke is hilarious and so several of us decided to sing. Imagine Hipsters singing Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and current popular hits like Lady Gaga. It's really entertaining!

It was such a fun night that as I was walking from the back to the front room, I didn't notice the step and twisted my ankle pretty bad. It grew increasingly painful and so I asked one of my friends to help me get home. Luckily, she lives a block away, so it wasn't too much of an imposition. They got me up the stairs, put some ice on on foot and I really thought I would wake up the next day feeling OK. I was scheduled to have professional development (orientation) for the new teaching job the next day, but when I woke up early in the morning, I discovered that I couldn't put in any weight on my foot. I couldn't walk and it was pretty much impossible for me to get to my school. So, I had to call in. What kind of bum luck timing is it that I finally have a job and I had to tell my principal and assistant principal that I had to go to the emergency room instead?!?!

Beacuse of the circumstances, I had to wake up my roommate to ask him for cash so I could take a cab to the hospital. He didn't have cash, but he was nice enough to go get some cash and then go back to bed. I limped down to the car service and went to the ER by myself. It was horrendous as expected and given the week the that I had had. I could not have felt more defeated and alone as I did at Woodhull State Hospital. Ironically, I was just a few days away from having health insurance, but at that time I didn't, so I had to suck it up and go to the state hospital and hope that they don't bill me later. It was just a sprain, but I couldn't risk not knowing if it was fractured or not and then it getting worse over the Labor Day weekend and then not being able to report on my first day of school which is now tomorrow!

And to make matters worse, I caught a cold at the hospital. For God's sakes, enough already! I've been resting, icing and elevating my foot for almost 4 days now and although its still pretty painful, I know I can make it through the work week because I took it easy and canceled several plans with friends because I couldn't risk not healing enough. Unfortunately, I've had way too much time to think. I've thought about what a crazy week I just had and wonder what will happen next. When will my luck change? Will my love return to me? Will I be a good teacher or a mess like I've been for the past few weeks?

It's Labor Day today, the day before the NYC teachers start school and two days before students start the semester and I don't know what to do until I meet my co-teachers tomorrow. My uncle's partner had a colostomy bag put in this week, which is way worse than my shit, but I have been feeling so blue and couldn't bear the thought of faking happiness to call him. I suck! Today, my only living grandmother turns 92 and I'm going to call her and hope that I get voicemail instead of my mother.

Also today, I've finally healed enough to walk down my street. Well, I limped and there was an oppressive amount of pity from the people who are used to seeing the fast walking me everyday. They were kind and told me to go rest and feel better. I've been lying down with my foot up in an emotional and physical tunnel feeling intensely alone and obsessing about loss and misery. So, let me tell you... stopping to talk to the local badass drag queen, Mahogany, on the street was the highlight of the last 3 days! How sad is that?! I'm still trying to be strong, but the devil got the best of me and I sent a text message that I shouldn't have. I knew better and didn't get a response. Now, I'm here with my foot on ice and I should be excited about the new school year that starts in a minute, but instead I hate myself. This week has got to be better!

"God got my back but the devil, he want my head."

2009-09-01T17:00:00.003-04:00

Doesn't it just suck that these days I've only been blogging when I'm feeling sad?! I crave balance more than anything but destiny is a cruel myth of a goddess without limits. I want to love and be loved and still feel the need to express happiness in words that don't go away.

In E-40's song 'Happy to Be Here' he says "God got my back but the devil, he want my head." I feel that so deeply. I have so much on this complex mind of mine and I am trying to stay far away from that dark place but its a nonstop battle between love and hate and all things in between. Apathy has never been my thing. Oh, how I wish I didn't give a shit! I wish I could just be numb and suck it up and feel unhappy and just split. If I were as cool as some people see me, I'd have a much easier life but I'm riding on a non-stop wave of consciousness and in this deep ocean there is a lot of darkness below the light.

I can be quite trite sometimes, but might I say, I made a leap of faith?! No, I mean I made several leaps of faith. I am an extreme human being and I have to believe there are things that I can't see but I can feel and that's the burden that breaks my newly opened heart. The cornerstone of a life filled with adventure and disappointment is sensitivity.

Wisdom, I can share and overwhelming love, I can bear the weight of it all, but I don't do it half-ass. When I love something or someone, I don't know how to hold back. Then I give it all away and forget myself and I am left with empty pockets and shaky mental health. These thoughts are way too personal for the world. I know that... but this pain is too much to pass on to anyone that I wish to keep around. The virtual community of my making can be my outlet for a heart that is breaking.

First, I leaped into a new passion and I let it take over me willingly because it gave me the opportunity to be the good version of myself instead of the bad me which I became so good at. And now, in the final stages where it comes to fruition, its a roller-coaster of a ride and my hands are in the air. If my best isn't good enough, than I need to become better for a tomorrow and that requires a new best. I am not where I am supposed to be and my best will be brought out when it means something.

My other leap of faith was a jump-start of my heart. I got used to taking care of myself and then forgot what it was like to have someone who wanted to care for me. I didn't know how to balance things and at this moment, I am left alone. Without the balance of career and time, there isn't enough time in the world for the kind of love I desire.

In the moments when I'm not determined, my thoughts turn to him. I am trying to be my best and I'm hoping to be even better. I believe in God, but I don't believe in men. Now, I have to put all those silly thoughts aside and rise up again and hope that I am missed by him. No one can ever love this man like I can. No one can do the things in the style that I have. No one can be just like me, thankfully.

Indifference Isn't Part Of My Vocabulary

2009-08-26T11:29:00.002-04:00

I could feel him slipping away, but he didn't know where he was going. In a harbor so deep, his heart fell asleep in the sand. I thought I could never know love again, but he pulled out the stitches and pitched a tent inside.

To be near someone that couldn't get enough of me; it seemed highly unlikely. How can I accept love when I hate every stupid word that comes out of my stupid mouth? When I regret more than I can let go... When I can see myself doing the right thing, but not.

I'm spoiled by neglect and impossibly direct. Taking the difficult road and tensely moving forward though I can't bear the load. I have loved him more than I thought I was able. I have no idea what happens next, I hope that I am capable of living through this without checking myself into a tomb. Happier than anyone can believe and sadder than a bottom feeder without a womb.

Examing disability through the movies: The Usual Suspects

2009-08-17T23:04:00.001-04:00

Pop culture often portrays people with disabilities within polarizing landscapes which separate the weak from the strong and in The Usual Suspects, the central character, Verbal Kint, is perceived to be a “gimp” and a “cripple” because of his visible physicality. In the plot of The Usual Suspects, disability can be defined by the Sociopolitical Model. Verbal’s limitations were perceived as physical and social barriers in the community and his weakness put him on unequal level with the others. (Barton, 1992, Pg. 51) Thus, Verbal was someone to be pitied and not taken seriously, however Verbal was actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Within the Culture of Disability, disability places the onus upon society and not the individual. The Usual Suspects presented the perfect twist on this Sociopolitical Model because the protagonist was faking the disability to take advantage of preconceived notions from culture.

The criminal culture in the film is “not so much a product of sharing as a product of sharing as a product of people hamming each other into shape with the well-structured tools already available.” (McDermott, Varenne, 1995, Pg. 23) Illustrated from after the initial line-up where the suspects were placed in the holding cell; Mr. Hockney called Verbal “Pretzel Man” and asked what he could be doing there. The other suspects had well-known specialized skills from the beginning of the scene and had completely ignored Verbal Kint. According to the H.G. Wells’s Difference Approach, when unpacking assumptions, one can imagine that the world consists of a wide range of people with different competencies. (McDermott, Varenne, 1995, Pg. 27) With the exception of Dean Keaton, the group of suspects judged Verbal’s abilities at face value and didn’t initially accept him into their proposed their jewel scheme. After being accepted, he destroyed the cultural stereotype by coming up with a plan where nobody had to die in the successful jewel heist. Moving forward, instead of being called “gimp”, the usual suspects called Verbal, “The Man with the Plan.”

Consequently, every other member of the criminal gang was found dead and Verbal Kint was called into questioning by Agent Kujan who saw Verbal as stupid, weak and easily manipulated. He had never dreamed that Verbal had created a false disabled identity. Little did he know that Verbal manipulated the entire situation from the very beginning. For example, he asked for a light and pretended not to be able to use the lighter. He dropped the lighter on the floor and let Agent Kujan pick it up and light the cigarette for him. By this act, Agent Kujan was reaffirmed, that Verbal was helpless and he could therefore outsmart him.

When the agent asked Verbal about the identity of the notorious Kaiser Tsoze, Verbal communicated a legend of criminal bravery and built up a powerful anti-hero who was allegedly the real man behind the crime. This tall tale was an interesting technique used by the protagonist because it deflected suspicion added mystique to the infamously accused. (Barton, 1992, Pg. 52) Verbal told Agent Kujan that the “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist” and also warned the agent that after he was gone, Kaiser Tzose would disappear forever. The agent didn’t suspect a thing.

I loved this pop culture depiction of disability because no other movie is centered on a protagonist with a disability which was ultimately a charade. Verbal came off as a fundamentally tragic character, subject to discrimination on all sides of the law; however, he was actually the true ringleader of evil. (Barton, 1992, Pg. 52) No one ever saw that coming…He completely took advantage of his perceived tragedy and was never given difficult physical tasks by the gang and consistently deemed weak and unintelligent by the law officer. Agent Kujan tried to pin the whole manipulation upon Dean Keaton and then Kaiser Tsoze and he was oblivious to the story that was literally written on the wall.

In the final scene of The Usual Suspects, Verbal limped away, just as Agent Kujan relaxed and looked at the back wall and saw the origin of all of Verbal’s silly stories used to create confusion and deflection. Suddenly, the agent remembered all the truths that came out as they spoke and realized the weakling cripple was truly the legendary mastermind. Verbal limped away and transformed into an able-bodied person. As he got into an expensive car, Agent Kujan ran after him, missed him and then disappeared. In the end, the eye-witness sketch of Kaiser Tsoze turned out to be Verbal Kint and the quote came back into the agent’s mind… “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

The Usual Suspects was framed within the Sociopolitical Model which views disability as being caused by the barriers that exist within society and the way society is organized. The criminal culture as well as the law enforcement figure blatantly discriminated against Verbal because of his physical impairments and assigned him no connection to the true crime. This pop culture example artfully used presumption that disabled people are weak and turned it into a point of strength and power.

Works Sited
Barton, L. (1992) Disability and the necessity for a socio-political perspective. In L. Barton, K. Ballard, & G.
McDermott, R., Vareanne, H. (1995). Culture as disability. Anthropology & Education Quarterly, 26 (3), 22-34

By Day and Night

2009-03-22T20:12:00.002-04:00

Be crazy for me, but not crazy.
My affection for you is unending.
Checking off my list of "yes, we cans".
You're possibly my family man.

Lover of dancing and giver of yummy kisses.
Ocean is home for you.
You adore this passionate Jew.
This modern classic likes modern music and remembers Coke Classic.

You smile and it is genuine.
Articulation is no problem, though you're wholly masculine
You know girls obsess over their hair and that is no reflexion of depth
Believer, over-achiever and generous lover of more than just breasts.

Ordinary Things With A Twist

2009-03-07T19:04:00.003-05:00

From the surface it may appear one way. Lots of things have happened and other things remain. Who knows what the truth is. What is truth but an opinion, a perspective of winning and losing...fight or flight...threat or non-threat. There is love under different context. I stopped waiting, I got on the train. Before this day, things were quite simple. Staying the same is impossible but we can linger...Hey, I still check out dark haired white boys with freckles and skateboards. I'm still lost in the music and feeling more from lyrics than parts of life.

I keep my distance far away from vivid memories but I remember when we used to call people. We never said, "I'll facebook you." So many ways to reach out; so many ways to be ignored. I never need to call, but I know everything I need to hear. I can't go back to where I used to wish for a kiss from someone who knew nothing better in this world.

I sent music through the air, now my computer makes radio stations for me. We still have space-time continuum but maximum exposure to minim composure. It trips me out to get projected into time warps with hand-held robot replacements. The ride is rocky but the scenery is nice. I reclaim the pieces of my spirit dropped on the road. What does it mean to be happy??? I dream a lot... I smile a lot... I have faith to spare. I feel deeply and I see things I could never feel before. I dream of ordinary things with a twist.

You'll do.

2009-02-21T15:15:00.006-05:00

(Disclaimer before this slam: I'm not a-man hater, in fact, I love men more than I should. But on the other hand, I'm getting smarter and I can call bullshit faster than ever before! This poem is dedicated to all the selfish guys I've "dated" recently. Warning: Just because there are more woman in this city than men doesn't mean we're not onto you. We know what's up!)

"You'll do"

Ooooh baby, you're so fine. You're so delicious, I want to make you mine. I'll send you suggestive text messages and proclaim I want to earn your love, but clearly its just talk. Talk, talk, talk... I love how clever I can be. Talk, talk, talk... I'll ask you questions about yourself and somehow relate them to me.

I want you, sexy and I want you to want me. As soon as you do, gorgeous, I'm gone... I got places to be. I will flirt with you and believe I can get a girl like you, but I could never handle a girl like you. You're way too smart and worldly for me. My book-smarts will never be enough, neither will my small apparatus and my even smaller soul. I'll go away before you get a chance to affect my ego.

Oh, sweetheart, aren't you a pretty little dish?! A guy like me would bend you over on one knee and break you like a plate. A guy like me would buy you a drink but dinner... nah, forget about it, its too late. I want something for nothing. I've had enough of gold-digging girls. I want to be selfish, I want everything in return for a tiny gesture, a free shot of vodka and a slice of lemon. I was never bothered learning anything about women.

OK, I'm clueless and I won't even try to know you because I'm a selfish guy and I'm proud of it...it gets me off! You see, I've got simple needs and complex neuroses. I'll let you down if you let me, so don't stick around for more than a "date". I'm full of shit, but that's common, so I sleep well at night. Tell me that I'm "the man" and then go get out of my sight. Besides, there are so many other girls younger and dumber than you. I am not looking for a good woman, just someone good enough to screw.

My Funny Valentine

2009-02-15T03:10:00.007-05:00

This year Valentine's Day turned out pretty great! Last year, I had a new beau and the pressure was on so it kind of sucked. But this year, I had no expectations and not an ounce of disappointment. With my girls, I enjoyed dinner at Five Napkin Burgers and drinks at the Fat Black Pussycat! We loved the music there and our girl-talk was too funny! Not long after Lanna left, Jasmine, Sage and I walked to the W4 subway, but at the last minute, I decided I wanted to walk by myself to 14th Street. I had turned my phone off at dinner and as I walked I switchd it back on; I had three Valentine's day messages -- all from super cute gay boys, one of which my BFF... I chuckled to myself because I'm such a fruit-fly! Love is love and it surrounded me...

I walked the 10 blocks to 14th Street through the West Village; it was after midnight and the streets were quiet and serene. I love to take long walks through Manhattan late at night. The only time the day when crowds die down and traffic chills out. In between the buildings, the lights reflect off the pavement and I can catch a glimpse of the brightness of the moon. These walks give me time to think and reflect upon why I still love NYC after being here for 4 years now! I've never felt scared or lonely walking alone at night. In fact, I feel kind of masterful and comfortably aware.

Another weekend of track work on my subway line, ergh! So...on 14th Street, I caught the L-train shuttle bus to 1st Ave, then the shuttle train to Bedford in BKLN and finally the regular L-train to my stop...

I got home and checked my mail... My sister Amy and her daughters sent me the funniest Valentine's card! I literally laughed out loud! It was a picture of a prairie dog sitting in an empty heart-shaped chocolate box. His word bubble said..."Oh man, I think all those chocolates went straight to my butt." Then inside, it said "Its Valentine's Day. Go ahead, INDULGE!"

Then I checked my gmail and got a bunch of great responses to the first personal ad I've written in at least a year... The replies gave me excitement and hope that there is someone out there for me. I have no boyfriend, but I got a couple of Valentine gifts today: an all vibraphone mix from Mike S. (its phenomenal!) and a card from my sis. No flowers, but whatever, I bought myself chocolates. I have my awesome friends, my family and romantic possibilities... After I read through the emails of anonymous dreamers...I opened up my yahoo email and saw that a guy from BJ wrote to me. He said he hadn't seen me in temple for the last few weeks and asked me to go see a movie with him that he thinks I might like. He didn't call it a date, but I know he has a little crush on me and that made me happy! So, what the hell, I'll go... because..."ya neva know!"

Anyway, I'm inspired.... I didn't have a man this Valentine's Day, but I'm not lonely after all. Love is all around. Its so close, I can almost touch it.... I can already feel it! Yay!
Happy Valentine's Day!

Moving, Caring, Staring.

2009-02-14T01:22:00.003-05:00

Moving, Caring, Staring

My hands keep moving...
You can't help but stare.
No thumbs -- strong tongue!
Distant memories, missing, unaware.
I fill your fountain, buy organic food,
You get bored at times,
But you're loved.
You relish the sound of the human voice...
Its not like you really have a choice.
Life is simplified for you,
Though you've made it a hobby to glean.
Hunter instincts suppressed, careened.
We're urban so we just replace things.

I'll consistently care for you;
My void startlingly subdued,
Delayed irregular,
Afraid, solitary, clever.
The measure is made,
Simplistically I keep the faith.
Creating Needs for Nurture,
Spectacles for truth,
I'm almost an expert in departure.

Its no major discovery that I can sew,
And I practice daily for my fish...
Sheets of algae and seaweed set afloat,
Time the finish from the start,
Flakes of nutrients.
Swimming beings born of art.
You multiply,
I tend to you.
You flutter and flit.
Your body keeps moving,
I can't help but stare.

I've never really liked to clean
But I'm content to suction your waste,
Naturally I'm tender before I'm keen,
I yearn to heal,
Lavish love,
Substitute wealth.
I'm older than I seem.
Advancing moments,
There's no surprise I feel so much...

My sweet companions leave me no legacy;
Impossible favors won't be returned,
In spite of regret,
Faith is what is left for me.
I walk to keep moving,
I prepare to stop and stare.

Movie Reviews: ‘Benjamin Button’, ‘Milk’ and ‘Doubt’

2008-12-29T15:47:00.000-05:00

'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' - An enchanting and deeply touching film. The acting, screenplay and cinematography were all very beautiful! Timing is everything and this film will stand the test...

‘Milk’ - A fantastic film from beginning to end: timely, well-written, brilliantly directed and masterfully acted! I found myself instantly drawn in and brought to tears by tender moments and politically charged ensemble scenes. Josh Brolin's portrayal of Dan White was filled with frustration and angst and gave insight into what takes a man over the edge. Sean Penn's role as Harvey Milk was compassionate and powerful and I see it as a defining moment in an already brilliant career.

‘Doubt’ - Because of the hype, I was really excited to see Doubt but it was a genuine disappointment! Frankly, I'm amazed at how this film is getting such rave reviews! The direction of the story was flawed from the opening scene and neither Meryl Streep nor Philip Seymour Hoffman gave performances out of their comfort zone. To its credit, Amy Adams was excellent and Viola Davis delivered a stand-out performance with a small role! With movies like Milk and Slumdog Millionaire, its a shame that this film is even considered a contender for best movie! Save your money!

Mixed Metaphors of Self-Actualization

2008-12-13T13:53:00.003-05:00

Some times one must throw themselves into the fire and burn away layers to make room for new and improved skin cells to grow. We are capable of more love for our inside pieces, if we will put together the puzzle. This fragility of human self-awareness is a burden worth bearing. But, what's easy about thinking deeply? And then thinking about it over again and then again some more.

There are numerous possibilities for restoration as well as stagnation. Wishing and praying even in the best of intentions... analysis without action is useless! At the core of the completeness of our being, we are rooted in simplicity, but the simplest things are the most complex. Standing in one place, we will never reach mountain peaks. We have many sliding doors to push through.

OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-05T19:53:00.003-05:00

Coast to coast celebrations!!! Obama!!!! Now, we are reaching out to the whole world and media makes it immediate. Finally, real alterations to the fabric of our ~~Red White and Blue~~...The world likes America again!

Yay...Yay...BIG Fat Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Ooooooooh and Wooooooooooot...!

Hey....It turns out that we are not BIG GIANT assholes after all! The American people have lent their voices. Finally mobilized for social change and a new world order; it can only get much better...Things seem possible once again...

Too bad, Obama is inheriting a barrel of sh*t. It's going to be a rough road, but he is solid! He will prevail. It's not just talk if it reaps righteousness! We will prevail!

morph and wax. someone’s got my back.

2008-10-23T13:35:00.002-04:00

my morning bliss
in mind i'm daily
then some kind of malfunction occurred
cause my patch fell off
and i'm smoking something bad

i'm just not there yet
but morphing into more
new and cute
and warm behind my neck
i broke my strike
and someone's got my back

i feel the change come through me
and i'm very happy
my wings aren't wet
an svp said he'd morph for me
and then i went home

music was waiting for me
and then another boy sent me tunes
i like when boys drop beats
they can make it themselves
they can dig on someone else's

when i'm in the beat
i'm gone
and i move too quickly
and elbow the novena
wax flies everywhere
and i scrape away with
my old plastic identity

i looked down again
and i was smitten

Happy Jew Year - 5769

2008-10-02T15:27:00.001-04:00

Happy New Year! 5769 is going to be a good one, I can feel it! I have good news and I've some bad news. I'll lead with the positive... My Rosh Hashanah was outstanding because this year I joined Congregation B'nai Jeshurun. (BJ for short) BJ is the best Synagogue ever! www.BJ.org They are inclusive, active and egalitarian with a good mix of fun and diverse singles and liberal families. Lanna and I joined at the same time. We got tickets for the High Holidays and invitations for Rosh Hashanah dinner for both nights.

After Rosh Hashanah Eve services, we wound up going to a fellow congregant's home for a spontaneous potluck which I helped to spearhead that day and we all contributed food and had a great time! The host, Gregg, is such a great guy! That kind of renews my faith in Jewish men. Everyone at the dinner was a Kool Jew; the kind of Jews I relate to… artistic, passionate and warm.

Lanna and I went to Rosh Hashanah services the first day, did Tashlich in Central Park and then went to NJ to eat dinner at her grandmother's home. When we walked in the door, Lanna's grandma who has not seen me in over a year, noticed my new red hair color and complimented me. She's really sharp and has great taste! The celebration was intimate and warm... The Hecht family has included me for Passover and High Holiday services for three years now and I am very grateful for their inclusiveness and love them very much!

After dinner, Lanna's 92 year old grandma kissed me goodbye and told me she loved me and when I said I loved her too, she kissed me again and told me she wished me happiness and to go after what I want in life. "Loves it!"

For Yom Kippur, we will be at BJ's and will have a Community Break Fast with hundreds of congregants. I expect it bill be social and upbeat!

So, here's the Bad news... I was laid off (again) due to a company merger on Friday 9/26, so I started the new year unemployed. I feel as though eveIn though the financials are pretty bleak, but I will survive! This time around, I am in a stronger place to find a new job, more experienced, confident, thinner and have a better idea of what I want to do. Yes, its disappointing, but the I was not making enough money to work as hard as I did and I see it as a blessing in disguise.

In spite of my employment situation, I feel optimistic, strong and blessed! Considering how many problems there are in this world and how much worse off others are, I know I'm pretty lucky...I have the best of friends here in NYC and in other cities, a loving family, sweet and beautiful tomcat, nice apartment...Also...I've taken wonderful trips , take part in NYC cultural activities and I have good health and a powerful brain.

During Tashlich, I caste out my wrongdoings in the reservoir in Central Park. I feel cleansed and renewed and can't wait to find my next adventure. I feel like both a cat with "nine lives" and a butterfly that changes everything. I'll be OK, as always, I'm OK! And, if for some reason, I don't find a new job within a month or two... I've resolved to take the GMAT and go to Grad School in the Spring of 2009. So, I have a back-up plan.

Anyway, that's New Year's News...

Happy Jew Year!

I "love" Barbados, but I'm "in love" with diving in Barbados

2008-09-24T01:18:00.007-04:00

I just got back from a week in Barbados. It is an incredible little island country and I had the best time ever!!! I seriously want to move there! So, I have to make some money or figure out a way to make a living there… like become a dive master or a tourism representative! It is so absolutely chill and serene…And beyond the gorgeous scenery, I love the Bajan people; they are totally beautiful, friendly, well-educated, peaceful and proud of their homeland with great manners!

While speaking with local Bajans, I was told that they just don't worry about the small stuff because life is too short not to enjoy it! What a welcome change from my harried New York City existence. Bajans are vibrant and kind to strangers without expecting things in return. And with equalitarian, preservation and humane national policies, they really know how to take care of their own. Incidentally, all beaches in Barbados are public domain; by law, no beaches may be sanctioned as private. Barbados is also pretty clean and the tourists aocals are interspersed quite easily. Suffice it to say, I think that the people of Barbados are some of the best people in the world!

We really had a ball! We danced at the Boatyard, dived (7 times) with Roger’s Scuba Shack (I <3 Roger!), we dined in the St. Lawrence Gap as well as local home cooking joints, we shopped and ate the freshest fish ever at Oisten’s Fish Fry! We also ate at Chefette in Bridgetown and drank lots of rum drinks pretty much everywhere. We lounged at the Hilton's beach and played in the crystal clear waters. And…I got a kick ass tan! If you look at my posted pics, you can see a semblance of just how happy I was the whole trip. Incidentally, our underwater photos and my friend’s pictures are yet to be posted.

We dedicated three days and one night to scuba diving which is now the greatest joy of my life!!! Of course, music is still my first love and I will never abandon her… but with scuba diving I’ve found inner peace! I'm now certified as an "Adventure Diver" by PADI. That's just 2 dives away from "Advanced Diver" certification. Now, I'm able to dive with a buddy down to 130 feet without a dive master or dive pro for supervision. In the deep dive which will go towards advanced certification, we descended to 90 feet below and I had no problems whatsosever. During that dive, we drifted with the current and barely had to use our fins.

During several dives we toured numerous ship wrecks which have become living coral homes to life forms including lobsters, crabs, and octopus and fascinating creepy crawly things other water beings… and of course, fish of all different shapes, sizes and colors. They all have their clever niches for safety and specialized skills. In addition to ship wreck dives, we dived very large natural reefs with various sponge varieties that change color in the deep. We saw lots and lots of brain coral everywhere and sea urchins nestled within the exquisite formations. In the sandy parts of the dives, there were eagle rays, spiny sea biscuits, furry sand dollars and camouflage rock fish. Life existed in every crevice. Fish of uncountable breeds, sea anemone and turtles from small to giant proportions!

My fifth out of seven dives was my first dive as an officially certified "Open Water Diver". It was actually a Night Dive which was truly the highlight! With flashlights in hand, we saw glowing non-stinging jelly fish and creatures that only came out at night. I actually saw a lobster vs. crab fight; it was hilarious, I had to hold my regulator in my mouth to keep from cracking up and swallowing water. Just thinking of that still makes me chuckle. There was luminescence in microscopic organisms floating around everywhere. And because of the deep, constant and slow breathing, it’s really easy to relax and enjoy it all. Actually, the slower a diver goes, the longer their air supply lasts. I feel that under the sea is the most peaceful place to be. If you have any desire to explore the great unknown, I encourage you to take the plunge for yourself! It’s the closest thing to being an astronaut!

I "love" Barbados, but I am "in love" with diving in Barbados!

motherly advice from my mother, the moviewatcher

2008-09-12T00:47:00.002-04:00

Mother writes: "nance thnx for the emergency contact no. always good to have a backup...please be extremely careful...do not dive into water that you are unsure of....in other words, don't dive, do not need any paraplegics in the familia....have ablast but do not be a daredevil...i love you, much.
l,mother"

my reply: "oh mama, i am your dare devil daughter, you know that, but don't worry, i also want to live to be old and healthy! i will dive! but not head first, without depth perception. i'm at home in the water like i was in your womb...i'll be safe and happy. xoxo..."

Mother writes: "the reason the caution came to mind to relate to you about diving is the foreign movie last nite: resurface....a young gorgeous guy who had dived off his boat into the water and there was a hidden rock under the seaweed materials and he is paraplegic now...he, in the documentary is preparing for the paralympic 2004..so be extremely careful ..."

my reply: "Well, that's really sad, but not to worry, I won't be diving alone. I will have a Dive Pro leading me through the clear blue waters around Barbados, so don't fret, mother dear!"

Make a Motion

2008-09-11T23:11:00.001-04:00

Is it fate...

Chance...

Or just dumb luck???

No one knows...

No one gives a crap!

Smiling through the little task lists...

1, 2, 3...for prioritizing

Always starting with 3 at a time.

After time, we're still here!

Burning off a little karma...

Beacuse it is pretty heavy.

Through different eyes

Its kind of easy.

More than a good beat...

Life, understanding and rebirth

Incomplete.

Until one makes a motion.

An Ode to Hillary

2008-08-27T00:13:00.011-04:00

"No Way, No How, No McCain!"

An Ode to Hillary and her speech at the Democratic National Convention

Hillary unified the party and the people! As soon as she stood up to speak in front of the full-capacity DNC, I was overcome with tears! Immediately mesmerized!

Hillary Rodham Clinton is still my champion! She speaks from deep down with remarkable poise, pulling out witty phrases like belonging to the "sisterhood of the traveling pants-suits." She is pretty funny! Hillary is a lover of all the people, a unifying force of the people. I've never felt this gypped by politics as I do right now. She has so many great ideas and she knows how to articulate! She is compassionate, passionate and fabulous! A Scrappy Intellectual; Hillary knows what's important!

Hillary brings down the house with the weight of her words... It actually hurts me inside that I can't vote for her for president!!! She is a role model....Hillary is resilient, super fantastic and independent. She's not an innocent but she's a visionary!

"Were you in it?..." for the invisible ones?!?! Absolutely!!!

Let's bring back America! "The Democrats have done it before with President Clinton and we'll do it again with President Obama."
"We the people..." can take care of everyone! We can re-build alliances with a regime change. Let's "Bring it back! Bring it back. Bring it back to me..."

John McCain is in denial!

*******************

Hillary is awesome!

And...Obama is in good company!

If you want a taste of freedom, then keep going!!!... We have to get going and waste no votes on the same old things...Democrats must practice due diligence. We will honor our sacrifices by moving forward, nothing is too bad, we have to keep going.........

G-d Bless and G-d Speed!

I, Werewolf

2008-08-20T23:27:00.003-04:00

Beating my broken brain.
Waves of clarity are washing over me as I sit inside my comfort zone again.
It should have been a release…Dammit!
But I was wound tighter than an ankle brace during a snow storm.
I wonder… when did I become this neurotic or was I always like this?
I can remember what I was wearing with detail,
During the insignificant secret moments.
But I can't remember when I transcended reactionary.
Unable to tune out without headphones.
Maybe I was turning into a werewolf on the full moon…
Pulled into lunacy by the intimate nature of my earth sign.
Maybe I missed the tide because nothing is as close to my natural rhythm.
I want to think myself the protector,
But I'm defending the creative void against those I love to love.
No closer to fresh fruit...when is catch-up time?
I should do pentinence.

(Not) Like a Bolt of Lightning - Poem

2008-08-12T12:51:00.002-04:00

Eighty percent full and twenty percent listless on the sand…
Do you want to dance with me and away from these jellyfish?
We can turn them over and spin them around…
Press upon their glistening pores of see water and alien essence.
We’ve been doing this same thing for so long.
That soft pink place in the darkness; it makes it difficult to exit the surf.
So...we sing lower-range harmonies for the days when we were settling in.
Out of nowhere there was a flash in the corner of our eyes,
But it was not a bolt of lightning.
That instant bling was merely a snapshot of the inevitable time passing.

Almost Happy (better read aloud)

2008-07-31T11:44:00.003-04:00

He enters my mind this time.
It makes no difference except inside.
A little torture even when I'm far from weak,
I close my eyes and hear him speak.
Dreams of his touch plague me...
Defying chronology and logically,
I am almost happy.
But some things are missing...
Promises have not completely broken me.
As long as I have putty
To fill the crack of the buddy
That I lack.

He's still joking of course,
My invisible discourse,
Distracting from the present tense.
His pop song reminds me of a bad friend
I wonder what would have happened...
In this nonexistent place
Where I get to kiss his face.
I've occupied myself in space,
My memories take the place
In my heart,
I want to feel this way for someone new
But I'm just to scared to.

"The Wackness" – Movie Review

2008-07-28T11:12:00.003-04:00

I'm starting to feel a little old now that Hollywood is making "Period Pieces" of my high school years. I originally wanted to see "The Wackness" because it took place the year I graduated from high school, 1994. Also, admittedly, I was curious to see Sir Ben Kinglsey make out with Mary-Kate Olsen on-screen... But I'm happy to report that I got much more out of it than 90's nostalgia and MK trying to be provocative.

The Wackness was heartwarming, introspective, very well-written and so easy to relate to. There were so many nuggets of quotables... (included a quote below) I laughed out loud several times and was genuinely touched by the age of Nirvana angst.

All of the characters, even the minor ones were realistic and textured. I loved Josh Peck as the leading man, he's so cute and I can't wait to see more of him. There were several standout performances including character-actress Jane Adams and the sexy mother-daughter casting and acting of Famke Janssen and Olivia Thirlby. Actually, the only real drawback of the film was from acting legend Ben Kingsley and his slightly American and slightly foreign accent.

Everything else was flawless. It's a great film, go see it!

"Peace Out, Forever!"
- Luke Shapiro (The Wackness)

Smiles and Rainbows...

2008-07-28T11:12:00.002-04:00

Naughty pretty ones
Effortless and homogeneous
Some more natural than others
The fan boys will be boys
They lust for Sassy ladies
Who want to have some babies
But not with little boys.
I'll keep this thought
For the next time
I may need it
I'll pass it right along
When you're away
I'm gone.
Enough of that
Stink face
Which has no place here
In the world of
Smiles and rainbows...

Nancella is Back!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-07T16:29:00.003-04:00

In the musty underground I was waiting and waiting; I couldn't see a train was coming to take me back home again. I was 32 and going through something temporary and reversible but my mind and body thought it was very real. I slipped farther and farther away from the 'real me' and nothing could be done until it was out of my system. I took a break from blogging because I was not myself. I stopped writing because every time I started to say something, it came out dark. As New York as I am, I'm still not morose. The 'real me' is a hedonist who loves living, enjoys intimacy and seeks pleasure. The 'real me' was really scared. Sometimes, the treatment is harder than the disease.

I've spent the last few months intentionally celibate and avoiding romantic situations, which was a first for me. And even though, I have the best friends in the world, it was lonely, but it had to be done. In general, I have always had someone and if things didn't work out with that one, I usually had a back-up. After things ended with Mike number one and then Mike number two, I did not pursue any number three. I spent these last few months looking out for the real number one! With more important stuff going on in my life, dating was placed on the back-burner until I learned to love myself again. It is so nice to be back and to love the skin I'm in. I had built a wall with my pain, but I'm knocking it down, brick by brick. I'm healthy again and so I'm able to date.

For a month or so now, my best friends have been suggesting that its time to take the leap and date again. And somewhere in my intuitive and freshly fearful soul, I strongly felt that July was going to be the month that I put myself out there once again. Then low and behold, as I was out and about in NYC, the first weekend of July and within 24 hours of each other, two different guys asked me for my number. I'm excited to say, I'm back on the train. Dave number one called and we're going out. Nancella is back!

I am so awesome, I'm in my own league of awesome. Wanna Battle?

2008-07-02T16:52:00.008-04:00

I have better music taste than any other girl that I've ever met and possibly any other person ever! No female has ever matched me in my music-loving-awesomeness, but I'd really love to meet another female as musically savvy as I am. She'd have to be on the level, I mean not completely snarky. If another girl could even come close to my ability to find and love awesome music, I'd dare her to step up! I'd challenge her to the ultimate iPod battle!

The winner would get first choice of shows to check out and we'd be the best of frenemies. I would no longer have to go to shows with just guy friends because I'd have her. You know, hanging with platonic male friends doesn't help me meet men. I'll have both a partner in musical awesomeness and a wing-woman. We will call each other before every event just to make sure we're not wearing clashing outfits or show each other up fashion-wise. And at the shows, concerts and dance parties, we'll collect digits from the cute ones that know how to dance. We'll have our own language of code words and safety signals.

I'm sure there must be a girl in Williamsburg, Green Point or Bushwick, who is at least mostly in the know and doesn't dress up in American Apparel and isn't attached at the hip to her skinny hipster boyfriend or ladyfriend, but I have yet to meet that chick. I do happen to like hipster music; I just don't like hipsters, well, most of them. They act so aloof, like they don't care about anything. And they don't have a care in the world because their parents pay their rent and give them a goldcard for their "vintage" 80's crap. Their vapid conversation doesn't entertain me much. Until the day I find a music girlfriend who doesn't annoy the hell out of me, I'll just be the solo music goddess supreme in my crowd! I am so awesome, I'm in my own league of awesome.

a list of atrocities as tall as the Statue of Liberty.

2008-07-02T11:58:00.010-04:00

It's time for me to rant and go off on tangents about Iraq... I watched "60 Minutes" this past weekend and I was moved by one particular piece. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/29/60minutes/main3553612.shtml

On the June 29th episode of "60 Minutes" there was a segment on Iraq (of course) and how 90% of its Christian population has either fled the country or killed due to Islamic Fundamentalist terror. That's one million people forced out of their homes or murdered because of their religion! Iraq has been a predominantly Muslim country for a short amount of time, while Christians have actually lived in peace in the area currently known as Iraq for nearly 2000 years. These devotees of Islam are deeply divided into sects and are now in a Civil War. Shia against Sunni extremists and no Christians are allowed there. Iraqi Christians, the direct decedents of the original Christians, are now refugees, hiding or dead.

Under the rule of Saddam Hussein, things were a lot better for Christians and obviously in general. In fact, Saddam's right-hand-man was a Christian. Hussein, was a tyrant, but as it turns out, he was not all bad. He promoted secular Arab living and modernism. Iraq is now in a complete state of chaos and lawlessness because of Bush's oil-gluttony. Under U.S. Occupation, Iraq is now a haven for Islamic extremism and terrorist groups. Islam, along with the world, hates the U.S. now more than ever! Presently, radical fundamentalists have decided to rid Iraq of Christians. They consider non-Muslims to be inferior human beings who don't deserve to live. Not all Muslims feel this way, but radicals do! Does this sound familiar? (i.e. The Holocaust) It doesn't take a dictator to destroy Western Civilization; it just takes devout acceptance of religious extremism!

I'm a secular Jew and I lived in Israel during the second uprising of the Intifada from where I witnessed terrorism first-hand. That was before there was a wall built to keep the suicide bombers out. I was there when the Number 18 bus was bombed nearly every day in Jerusalem. On numerous occasions, I saw the Hassidim (Orthodox Jews) mop blood off the sidewalks and pull bone fragments from the walls of buildings in order to bury the dead according to Jewish law, fully intact. There has never been a more horrific sight in all my life than the aftermath of suicide bombings and I hope I will never have to witness that again. Till this day, it's very difficult for me to watch a single news broadcast or any war movie because I can't help but have flashbacks. I thank God that I was not a victim of terror.

Terrorists hope to die as martyrs in order kill people outside their faith. They won't accept other religions; they wish to exterminate them all. They went after the Jews first, Israel is an easy target, and now its the Christians that have cause to worry. Religious intolerance coupled with world domination is what terrorism really is. Iraq was a modern a country and now it's the hell mouth of extremist violence.

As a both a citizen of the world and a modern Jewish woman living in New York City, I find myself deeply troubled by the expulsion of Christians from Iraq! This war was waged under the guise of anti-terrorism and that that was a big fat lie! Our government didn't start this war because of Iraq's so-called nuclear threat to humankind, nor was there a connection to the atrocity of 911; it was over the control of oil and therefore, power. Iraq was not the center of terrorism, but now it is! Our troops are there and we're so so stuck! With the U.S occupation of Iraq, our President and his gas-suckling administration has ripped apart the fabric of the world! Thanks to Bush, it may take many generations for the United States of America to be considered a great country ever again. For this presidential administration, we could create a list of atrocities as tall as the Statue of Liberty.

Our sad reality here in the United States is that it doesn't even matter who wins the next Presidential race, its will have to be better than this one! We have to hope it will get better, because we can't imagine things getting worse. Somehow, they do with every passing day. Neither candidate could pull our troops out because we made this bed and now we must lie in it. The next administration is inheriting a complete and total cluster-fuck! As a direct result of George W. Bush, the country of Iraq is hell in a nutshell and the U.S. economy is right well screwed up as well. To add further insult to multiple injuries, our mighty leaders have been borrowing money from countries that don't even like us to fund a war that has no solution! And at this very moment, to insure America's control over the oil, this administration is trumping up reasons to attack Iran. Nuclear threat worked in the past so they are trying to use it once again.

I'm feeling sluggish, I need to reboot!

2008-07-01T17:16:00.002-04:00

A critical program on my computer was acting up and it was crippling my ability to accomplish my work. After trying a couple of things, I simply restarted my PC. After it went through the process and restarted up, everything seemed to work smoothly once again and I was back to work.

If only there was a simple restart button in life! Our mortal bodies get clunky and wouldn't it be super if we could just shut down for a little bit and start up refreshed? Sure, we can go on vacations, go to sleep, work out at the gym, start new projects and new relationships, but there is no way of just powering down. Our well-oiled machines just don't ever turn off and turn back on at the touch of button. Is sleep the closest thing to the reboot? Even sleep requires battery! Wouldn't it be dandy to be able to press restart and then everything in our bodies would be working well and our minds would be at peace?

I'm feeling sluggish, I need to reboot!

R.I.P... my little hard-boiled egg!

2008-06-20T11:02:00.002-04:00

I have fallen in love with hard-boiled eggs and now I have perfected my method for making them just right. Hard-boiled eggs are the best snack foods in the world with the exception of string cheese! Nothing can touch string cheese.

Sometimes, I bring an egg to work with me in a Ziploc bag. A few days ago, I forgot about the egg in my bag and walked around for days until I put it in the fridge. Maybe I was just being forgetful or maybe there was some deeper meaning because I really wanted to hold on to that hard-boiled egg. It is not a money issue; eggs happen to be the most cost-effective protein source on planet earth. I just didn't want to throw away that egg! It was in my pink bag for two days and it never cracked. That's one good egg!

I consulted with my friends about what I should do. They told me that it just had to go. They agreed it was now poisonous and I could not eat it without the serious risk of illness I was still skeptical, so I conducted some online research. Wikki-Answers says the following:

Q: How long can you keep a hard boiled egg unrefrigerated?

A: Because a hard-cooked egg is considered a potentially hazardous food, 2 hours is the maximum that it should go without refrigeration.

I happen to still have my doubts, but never the less; I tossed it out in the plastic baggy that kept it so safe and un-cracked for 48 hours at the bottom of my hot pink purse. Reluctantly, I threw the egg away and I have to say… I am a little sad about it.

R.I.P... my little hard-boiled egg!

Such a Girl

2008-03-17T21:59:00.004-04:00

I’m such a girl. I listen to love songs for the lyrics. I’ll play the same song over and over because that sentiment captures the feeling I miss or reminisce about. I yearn to feel that way again some time. I think about that guy and then I think about somebody else I use to love even more...
I’m such a girl. They call me sensitive. "Why can’t you just get over shit?" There’s just no pill for it. I light a candle and I meditate on moving on, on being strong, on dreaming on. I believe in hope in pretty faces on every train. I believe in whatever I believe in today...

I'm such girl. At times, I smile at other people’s pain. It makes me feel triumphant every now and then. Can you believe what that girl was wearing? Seriously, what was she thinking when she left the house like that? And if my hair looks good today, I feel self-confident! Even when everything else is Code Red, its alright, because things are smooth on the top of my glorious head. I’m such a girl!

Nothing to do with Karma or Thai Food

2008-03-16T00:05:00.006-04:00

Over Pad Thai and Chicken Curry, she asked me what she did to deserve these close-calls. Words are scary and can be over and over like a tape-loop...She looked into my eyes and told me it must be KARMA... These men over the last several months had acted out against her because she must have done something in her past to deserve it. What was the meaning in these power struggles with men?

I was horrified in that moment that she believed that several near-violent encounters were as a result of her thinking she wasn’t a good person. That’s really messed up!!! She is actually one of the best people I know! Bad things happen to good people all the time! Nothing is fair in this world, nice guys finish last. These are cliques for a reason! Things happen because they can and always will happen and its our responsibility as human beings to find the morals in these happenings.

Karma, well, the western belief of karma... that we get what we deserve, is contrary to the actual definition of karma.... An Eastern idea that we are born with energy that we must burn away before we leave this lifetime and pass to another. This Western accepted idea of Karma can be a double-edged sword because we are both the victor and the victim.I sat across the dinner table, looking into the sad sweet eyes of this highly-educated, deeply good-hearted best friend and I know that inside her big brain, she knew that karma had nothing to do with what happened.

It was actually transference of anger and she even said it herself when we worked through the sorrow and confusion. People take out their innermost feelings on others; they do it all the time, unknowingly! She was just the one who was there in time to flip the switch. Take your pick... She represented the mother, ex-girlfriend, lover... I have been on both ends... I have been the good and the bad bitch and I believe the Western version of KARMA myself, dammit!

I’m sorry that my friend is dealing with this. It brought up some real power fears in me too and I will do anything within my own power to help her if I can. For now, I will meditate on empowerment. On, knowing, we are all in charge of our own strength, knowledge and wisdom and no one can take that power away. Its inside.

“Silence is Golden.”

2008-03-14T18:33:00.001-04:00

You did it! You typed it all out...Said everything you’ve been meaning to say… Those thoughts are no longer just bouncing along in your brain. Feels good, doesn’t it!? With furious words and cleansing passion, you have released a muted fire into the world that exists apart from Tortureville. You typed out an e-mail and at the last minute, you came to your senses and didn’t send it. Good girl!!!

Nobody walks over a burnt-down bridge and nothing you wrote would have done any good for anyone anyway. The main point here is that you got it out of your mind. Maybe you’re doing better already? And, even though he might have deserved every word you wrote, your conscience is clear because you didn’t inflict a lyrical beating on another soul. Like they say before the movie starts, "Silence is Golden."

ALL-CAP 4-Letter Word Songs

2008-03-10T21:47:00.006-04:00

I had gotten a new computer and used my ipod as an external hard-drive to copy my files onto my new laptop. In the transfer process, some of the music files, didn't rename properly... They came up on my new itunes with ALL-CAP 4-Letter names. I assume its because I downloaded a few for free. Whatever!!! It didn't happen to all 7,000 songs, just like maybe 200-300 or so... Let's call it a loss of search capabilities and its just a whole in my music data log. It's annoying but not a tragedy. I still count my musical blessings, and daily. If only life were that simple!

In reality, I'm going through something that can't be chalked up to miscategorization. I can't just go though and re-type the names of the songs I've bootlegged and fix the problems in my world. There are many ALL-CAP 4-Letter word songs playing on the ipod of my reality and I'm having trouble just listening to them without wanting to go through them all and retype every last one. But I don't know all the names of the songs and even if I did, no one, not even myself, would have the patience to sit there while I fixed them one by ALL-CAP 4-Letter one. I'll try and be positive as I mutter other four letter words.

Thanks for the clarity on the foggy days!

2008-01-24T22:59:00.000-05:00

Epiphanies don't happen every day and if they seem to, they must not be true. I didn't want to listen to a person who barely knew me, but sized my up in about 15 minutes and within an hour I called him an asshole. Then, the person who knows me best agreed and I rebelled and I disagreed completely and then I digested it weakly...

I have spent many years trying to disprove heredity. Distance won't overcome chemistry and strong will won't invalidate my natural inclinations. I am seeking lightness in the lack of heaviness. I don't want to be like that! No, not even a little bit. I'm not in that head space... I lived under a giant footprint and had to run to survive. I ran so far away... But I could never get away, I just changed area codes.

In addition to this personal work and other busy shit, I've been working a lot to try and make up for the last few months where I haven't had the energy to do so much of it. I'm tired, so tired, but I'm trying to be optimistic about building something for others and for myself.

I'm trying to step up and take my medicine while its free and paid for and not a "pre-existing condition." I will not put things aside in life, because my work right now has got to be the foundation to support everything else that I need in the long run...

Thanks for the clarity on the foggy days!

I Got Up To Get Down - NYE 2007-2008

2008-01-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

Once again, my dancing shoes carried me away from agony and onto the unity of a good beat. It was New Year's Eve and I stopped a world of pain for dance therapy with my dear friend.
After hurting every waking day for a while now, I had a successful surgery and completed four days of bed rest. By the end of it, I healed up enough to get down! I made myself celebrate the end of one hard year. Good riddance, Odd year, 2007! And welcome to a new Even year! Hello 2008!!! 2007 wasn't all bad, but it seemed to be a series of tests that I passed and moved forward from with strength, wisdom and support.

I took a couple of extra pain pills to get my body moving once again and we made it out to Studio B. We checked our coats just in time to count down and kiss. Slick Rick counted down to the clean slate. Then we rocked out until 5am with a phat DJ set from Moby. I couldn't even feel my stomach, let alone my legs for the first three hours.

That Willimsburg, Brooklyn warehouse club with a giant dance floor and two tandem stages leaving not a moment of dead air was more than hot. It was a musty sell-out crowd with all types of smiling people. I danced with several and held my own against the ones that get too close. Every venue worth a damn sells out on New Year's Eve in New York City. We had a ball and no ballgowns were required.

Our feet ached, we threw the munch and awoke midday on the first day of the New Year. He brewed up a stew of traditional Southern New Year fair... black eyed peas and cabbage in a pot of hope and it was dope! We might even be eating this brew all year long with all the left-overs we have. I watched an Iron Chef marathon on the Food Network and then we made a Candle of Dreams and drank KANU, the best white wine from South Africa.

It has been an epically excellent New Year so far! I had had a frightening vision before my surgery that I was stuck inside a front-loading washing machine waiting for the water to cleanse me. It wasn't metaphorically my refreshment of choice, but scar tissue couldn't go away too easily. If my girl is right, my art will have room to grow and if my boys are right, I'll grow something bigger. I have several resolutions for this new adventure and am sure I will formulate new plans on the spot.

You're My Campfire Today

2007-12-31T02:11:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'll make you a mix-tape
And title it: You're My Campfire Today
I'm never alone long,
I don't want to be.
I have good friends here...
I see things differently.
Its not a competition, but its a game.
And I'm cool, but very human.
A woman in need of healing.
I'm strong, but a little helpless right now.
I'm getting better.
I'm never hopeless,
I try to think less.

One kiss is not enough for too long.
You tease me like I am twelve.
It's fun like this.
I couldn't do anything more, but take it easy anyway.
You go away to drink your beer.
And I'm stuck right here.
But feeling better,
Its not just the pills.Thanks!

You put your hands on me.
You felt my pain and pushed some out.
Don't seem the type to be so smooth,
But you got such good moves.
I didn't expect your gifts.
I wish I could remember the feeling,
Try to recreate your touch.
Until the next time...

It would be kind of genius if it wasn't for the broke booty!

2007-12-23T02:38:00.000-05:00

Last week, I busted my ass. I wasn't snowboarding or skating or doing anything half-way interesting. I was just going down into the subway and I slipped on my toucus down the concrete steps. My suede converse must have gotten wet from some melting snow and I wasn't paying attention to every step like I do when I'm walking alone. I was following a co-worker and down I went. Being care-free and care-less. I'm on Vicodin already because of my second alien baby which will be vanquished on my own birthday. (whole nether story)

It has been exactly two years since I fell down on my face and this time I was not drunk or doing anything that required skill. This time I didn't fall on my face or break my head like several years back. Luckily I didn't even technically break my sweet butt, but I bruised the tailbone, bad, which makes it difficult to sit without a pillow. I have to carry around an undercover inflatable donut. An inconspicuous ass protection unit in a keen black cosmetic bag. It's my companion wherever I roam. It would be kind of genius if it wasn't for the broke booty!

My sad ass may be hurting for weeks up to months. In a few days, I'll be in bed for a few days, at least I'll be off my ass. If anyone wants to help, and in the spirit of Christmas, for a moment... please send some speedy recovery wishes to my ass! (and my other girl parts!)

I used to hate my job, so I’d blog as a terrific narcissistic, exhibitionist time-sucker...

2007-11-27T02:32:00.000-05:00

I hadn't felt the need to share Minutia. I used to hate my job, so I'd blog as a terrific narcissistic, exhibitionist time-sucker. Now, I'm actually challenged, for once.

Hanukkah is coming on early and I've been busy, not "busy". I needed to buy presents and started with something for my parent's 45th wedding anniversary which is this Friday. Roses, I ordered lots of them... I love to send blossoms their way. Flowers makes them smile. It works on me too.

There's really no reason to worry. Sometimes, I have to hide my love away and move forward, day to day, in silence. Boys call sometimes and sometimes I pick up. I'm not boring, not even a little bit. So many things I can't say because of the accidental audience. With my new career focus I hadn't even thought about things, but I always go back to nostalgia, Madonna and Barbara Walters.

Spent the turkey feast with close friends and we chose to be together, that's always unique. the weekend I spent in my solitude. I needed a break after performing till 2am. DJ-ed in a good bar on Thanksgiving night and got a dose of exhibitionist worship with a splash of, "girl, you rock!" and "we want to take you home tonight!" I turned the people on and that was very good...

I'll be busy every day and night for the next few weeks so I'm glad I saved up some "alone time". Caught up on sleep. I read for hours, purchased yellow flowers, harnessed love powers. I've been haunted, undaunted, romanced and danced with. It was beautiful, it was wicked, it was wateva...

Opt into Anemia

2007-11-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

Lazily, I use the wrong program at times. Within walking distance of a key stroke, a few thoughts disappear. One in particular. Then, the wind blew and I couldn't hold it in again.

Perfectly natural, sometimes I get a little preachy, lovable, mostly unlovable. Tell her its because there are so many people here, so many girls. I can't tell her the truth. In one moment it was real, we were connected by one thing, everywhere.

In a minute, we were nothing, virtual strangers. Time warrants vagaries, Speaking in code, less piteous, poor me, for nothing. I'm lucky. Absolutely charmed. Please stop doubting me. I'll need to stop holding it down. Opt into anemia. One thing holds me back. It's not you, its me. Its you. Its me!

Sorry Busy Take Care #32

2007-10-29T23:01:00.000-04:00

I was writing on the way home... Awareness isn't easy. Art must be an intrusion and I have more of it now. I'm grown on my own, it happens. Its easier to love something that goes home, every night to mommy. Let's take asylum inside purple steel and then we will survive another apocalypse.

Sorry busy take care! Let's toss some bangsnaps, our thoughts quick, no mental lapse. Puncture holes in the place filled with melodies. Mystifying, how you haunt me. My good intentions don't matter beyond here. Tuning into beats, everyone forgets, less afraid of what we made, amplified by the TV. Recover from an imprint. I remember another land like only a transplant would...

There's no perfect soul and I don't know how to need without wanting or want without needing. But...I'm learning. Give me something and I will take it, make it, break it... Even better, I'll gladly accept. Pure energy... Love sponge.

Wasting time wondering about strangers, staring at nothing in a face. Cold wind upon my daydreams blow outside. Escape and its more than just hiding. You have your hand back and I gave you a finger. Fires and floods, uncertain earth and cancer, you're just dandy. Nothing ever really happens to you, an avatar in the future world, its rigid in its "1...2...3...4...fuck the system."

Officially, I never wanted to stay the same. My giant butterfly had nothing to do with anyone. It was dumb ego. it was "my pain"... One wing shorter and closer to more permanent flight... I can take it. Respect is subjective. Everlasting, nothing is. It will always leaves a mark, but the stitches go away.

An Absurd Realization from New Possessions

2007-10-26T00:14:00.000-04:00

Another self-stigma wiped away today as I plunged my feet into a puddle of rain. I did it on purpose in my brand new all rubber rain boots. My brand spanking new boots are black plaid; too preppy cute. Walking into water puddles willy nilly was a thrill like no other.

I was conscious that I was protected by something I never had before. Boots... I got for myself. Mom never go me a pair and I never got myself a pair until just now. In fact I have actually coveted other people's rain boots for as long I can remember.

Why did I never buy them until now?!?! A self-imposed stigma... An absurd realization, I fully know it! In a minute, I have a remedy in possessions.

Deadbolt Doorlock Drama-Free

2007-10-20T17:30:00.001-04:00

He mentioned a :revolving door: Ugh! That's the kind of door that lets people in and out as it guards the space from the outside world. One by one, they go inside, conduct their business and exit through the same entree point. It don't stop, because there are so many people. It keeps moving because the robot is moving us at the same pace. He bestowed this badge of honor, like a defense device to his friend, and I would rather just use the deadbolt now.

Titania

2007-10-20T17:27:00.000-04:00

Sunlight and she bends to you.
Music makes her happy.
She is almost stationary,
Living on chlorophyll.
Delights in the soft lights.
Drinking poetry from a pot,
With nourishment from air.
She grows when we talk to her.
And then alone.
Boredom never overcomes her,
She is almost still.
Almost...

Rally for "Y'all

2007-10-11T01:56:00.001-04:00

Let's give it up for the pronoun, "Y'all"!

Y'all is a contraction of you-all and it fixes a hole in the English language. Why isn't there a proper combo for you-all? There is, It's Y'all!!! So...Let's put it in the dictionary already! Y'all's the single most famous word of all Southern U.S. dialects. I don't care how long its been since I've lived in Texas, I'll never stop saying Y'all. Y'all feels good and Y'all saves time. Y'all is inclusive and Y'all gets the message out. Come on now Merriam Webster, stop calling it slang, make Y'all a real word!!!

"Ain't" made it in already, it's Y'all's turn now! Let's give Y'all some love, I'm giving Y'all love right now!

And let us all say... Amen, Y'all.

That’s My Bag, Baby... My Hand Bag!

2007-10-11T01:54:00.000-04:00

A stream of light pierced my forehead and for a minute I could see only silver. I was ambling as fast as the light turns from green to yellow. In between skyscrapers, struck down by darkness of a temple wake. I stopped wearing my sunglasses about a week ago, but I couldn't seem to remove them from my bag. Its put together like a boy scout's daypack, but highly fashionable. It's all I got When I leave for another day. This is a magic bag, momma. I don't have a car for storage, I have my feet. Urban renewal exists in the ghetto, but it doesn't happen in a handbag!

Best thing that could happen at the Brooklyn DMV

2007-09-23T01:40:00.000-04:00

I got "the call" standing on line at the DMV. I've been walking around with a California driver's license for many years overdue. I decided that that day was the day I'd tough it out and officially trade in my past West Coast identification card for my East Coast present and future. There was never really a need so I procrastinated for three years and it took only three hours of my life to get it done, finally.

Half an hour, standing on a line to get a number for the real line at the Brooklyn Department of Motor Vehicles, my phone rang! I had gone to thier office to interview three times in total and met everyone on staff before I jumped through some more hoops. Before the Boss Man offered me the job, he googled me and was actually the first hiring manager that's ever contacted my references. They ran a background check and everything...

I'm proud to report that I got it! I was meant for this position. In my first week, I was teased because I fit in and was quoted verbiage from my online persona. I didn't just land a new position that I was hand-picked and am totally suited for, I'm now part of a team. I've got a lot to be happy about! I had faith the right thing would come along and it has. In one blissful week, everything has changed for me. (More on this later) Thanks to everyone involved in this process.

"Worst Memorial Show Ever"

2007-09-11T21:07:00.001-04:00

Six years have passed since the epic events of 9/11 and there was a collective unity felt all throughout New York City today. Everyone was just a little more patient getting on and off the busy subways and walking down the crowded streets. Every person seemed proud to be working as a team and just happy to be alive. I didn't live here during that time. I watched it on TV just like the rest of America. So, I can't even imagine how it was six years ago, but I'm happy to be part of the camaraderie that's been cast over this great city on this day.

Oprah came to NYC yesterday to tape her first two shows of the 2007/2008 season. We were one of the 12,000 people to score tickets to one of the two shows. We felt blessed by for getting a lifelong dream opportunity to see the Oprah show taped live in the Theatre at Madison Square Gardens. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see the fun show with Lettermen, we got to see the sucky 9/11 tribute edition.

We were totally duped. The topic of our show was the "Children of 9/11" and it was so depressing and boring. We were bummed out from skipping a day of work in order to wait in a seemingly endless line in the rain to see both the most exploitative version of Oprah and feel the energy of the craziest fans in the Northern Hemisphere. And there were the sad half-orphaned children of 9/11 victims. Afterwords, we had to eat mass quantities of sugar and see "Super Bad" just to get over the pain of Oprah's Worst Memorial Show Ever! You know the old Hollywood saying, "never work with children or animals", well, it rings true?!

The "D" Word

2007-08-28T00:07:00.000-04:00

Going through phases.
Changing our minds.
We move on forward,
And get left behind.
An essence of wonder.
Traveling through tomorrow.
I'm back again to you,
But too far away,
Too little, too late.

There was a time before the rescue.
It was brief.
With every breath, since rebirth...
You were more than loved.
You were needed
Oppressively.
Impatient, you couldn't wait,
Till I got healthy.
With and without you.
I didn't know what to do.
You gave up...I let you.

What We Don't See

2007-08-28T00:03:00.000-04:00

United by the things we don't see.
Yet, divided by the feeling of disbelief.
Evaporated away like dandelions in flight.
Joyless create ways to make it through another night.

Smoke on the staircase and the pain of the wait...
Time is excruciating and steadily pecked away,
By the birds and the breeze and the arms out of reach.
The nest is safe because we're not ready.

We are connected by more than security.
Temporary, our minds get no release.
Waxing like the full moon and wanting for the best.
We walk away with nothing and hope it was just a test.

I've been on a blogging and writing hiatus, but I achieved a great suntan!

2007-08-16T00:17:00.000-04:00

There's nothing like a good tan, you know!?! Its so satisfying, like a sign of health and wealth. I've been on a blogging and writing hiatus, but I achieved a great suntan! I had taken the summer off from my TV writing job and now I'm back. Writing is less appealing in the summer when you can go outside and do things! "I'm that kind the person, you know, the kind of person, that likes to do things!" (one of my personal quotes)

Back to work and back to My-Life-is-an-Open-Book-Style of blogging... Hey, if you didn't want to know what I've been up to, I figure, you wouldn't check out my blog anyway or you'd just stop reading out of boredom. We're all exhibitionists and voyeurs here on the crack space blogosphere anyway, right?!?! You don't actually need to reveal yourselves, btw. Watev!

I've returned to write about what happens on TV in time for the new fall season. Nobody should watch TV in the summer anyway, so I didn't watch it. Well, except, "So You Think You Can Dance", I'm watching that, for free, and it is clearly the greatest show ever made!!! I wish life were like the choreography and willful determination of that program. If people at work ask me what I've been up to, however, I just tell them that I was at the beach. It's just easier, and its not like most of them actually give a shit.

Anyway...Riddle me this... Jumble you that.. Been to Mexico and spent time with my entire extended immediate family of fifteen on a cruise ship. It's a regular activity that my father sponsors every five years. Some family bonding over gourmet food and exiting lounge shows in the tropical sun. It was special! Yeah, Dad's generous like that! Fun, Fun, Fun! I've been perfecting the "freckly tan" with masterful skills weekly. I've gone swimming in the ocean like the holy sabbath day. Have even sneak out on week days to soak up the sun and the surf.

I accepted a "dream job" musical position that didn't turn out to be so dreamy, so I had to end it after one day. Roller coaster, let me tell you. I'm working on music both listening to other people's music and working on my own with my partner. It's nowhere close to presentable, but the foundation has been laid. We also made some videos. Another strange happening, I have a ghost in my bedroom and she likes to play with electricity.

I fell in love with coffee, like it was just invented. I can't believe I've been missing out on java all these years. Kind of avoiding dating pretty much altogether, but doing all kinds of group activities and expanding tight nit friendships by spending time enjoying life. In addition to going back to writing about TV last week, I've got a slightly crazy Temp job during the day which is completely as a result of the forgiveness and the unending love an old friend. I'm happy about a lot of things in my life. I'm feeling blessed in this controlled chaos.

Better Yet - (poetry)

2007-07-24T13:54:00.001-04:00

Restructuring character. Looking to others for suggestions, connections. Operating on currency, chemistry, caffeine but doing just about every exciting thing!Enjoying the beach, the company I keep and hiding from the rain until I have to see Lettermen.Entering the quiet after a myriad of mind-blowing music events, marine therapy and having my chosen family, I wake up Monday and I don't.But I go on with much to look forward to. Got to create action, instead of reaction, fashion not fiction. Sourcing out other components to the new form. I'm creative and less a worker bee... Not entirely unaccomplished, not just off the block. A perpetual condition, a solitary attribute, absolute, generalist. I am so awesome, I am "too awesome" and yet not "the one". Every day is new, a chance to get it right, another time to learn to get by a little better.

I like you, I like music and I think you will like it too:::

2007-07-20T20:39:00.001-04:00

So the truth is I'm a frustrated DJ. I've been slacking as a music programmer, because I'm trying to focus on making my own stuff, but... I also need to create a musical roller coaster for myself and others to ride. Long story, Long... Started a playlist, proud of it and think you'll enjoy it.

It's on Project Playlist and you may Listen to it Here:
"It's Like a Roller Coaster, Baby!"

http://www.pplaylist.com/user/10432478

You can also join and make your own, but you don't have to, I'm not so sure about that. Anyway, Jam Out to this one for a minute first. I'm planning on many more musical feats to come...
"It's Like a Roller Coaster, Baby!"

http://www.pplaylist.com/user/10432478

Music Blog - "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars

2007-07-20T12:36:00.000-04:00

http://gregorylane.org&links=4869d36ab0d48ce349b735d39e31fb578f10098bc1e08656be77d527cfcfed74456c5a4dcaf5f6f56b4d616bbcc16385e5bb14480f46f57c210aa26d5457b3&originallink=http://gregorylane.org/mp3/moving_in_stereo.mp3&addedby=
(Click Play Button next to Preview music track found in page)

Hey, Remember the fantasy scene in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" when Phoebe Kate's character gets out of the pool and says... "Hi Brad" and takes off her top and kisses him?!?! Well, this is the song from that scene, Check it Out...

Listen: http://gregorylane.org/mp3/moving_in_stereo.m

Moving In Stereo ------The Cars
Source: http://www.sing365.com

life's the same
I'm moving in stereo
life's the same except for my shoes
life's the same you're shakin' like tremolo
life's the same
it's all inside you
it's so easy to blow up your problems
it's so easy to play up your breakdown
it's so easy to fly through a window
it's so easy to fool with the sound
it's so tough to get up it's so tough
it's so tough to live up
it's so tough on you
life's the same
I'm moving in stereo
life's the same except for my shoes
life's the same you're shakin' like tremolo
life's the same
it's all inside you
life's the same
I'm moving in stereo
life's the same except for my shoes
life's the same you're shakin' like tremolo
life's the same
it's all inside you

Listen My whole Playlist HERE: http://www.pplaylist.com/user/10432478

Poor but Happy

2007-07-19T03:21:00.000-04:00

From the outside looking in, I've been through it this year and the craziest part is that it doesn't freak me out. Something has happened, I'm happy! Sure, today is stormy but I know the sun will come out soon. In the mean time, I can close my eyes and imagine I'm there. There is a lightness about my spirit as I move. Random children see it and they can't stop looking. Strangers feel my bliss as I pass by. I've got a lot to smile about. This inner peace comes over me, just as its warm enough to get back into the salt water. I am swimming in the ocean every week and carrying that tranquility around with me... until the next time I submit to the waves. I'm in love with the ocean!

I'm poor, but money is not everything. I'm at peace. Going on interviews and giving it what I got, If I'm not what they are looking for, so what, eventually, there will be somewhere I belong. Men ask me out and I go. Mostly, there's no chemistry or future possibilities, but so what. I'm out there and eventually, there will be a fit. Nothing about my situation is set in stone. I'm a New Yorker, I can handle it! I have managed to keep my soft parts. I will never let the hard edges poke a hole inside. When I need to release, I can just go to the beach.

Stop wishing, start fishing. (poem)

2007-07-16T18:50:00.000-04:00

Yes, we have that model in stock.
And we want those dollars from your pocket.
Need more time to think to about it.
May I give you some of that?
Oh, what's the problem then?
Limits and borders, counting your quarters?
Mack trucks couldn't hold your stuff.
Even if we liked what we heard.
And came over with suitcases.
We've gone over and over it.
Act now, think later.
Timing really is everything.
You've got none left.
To think about it.
Stop wishing, start fishing.

She Whispers in My Ear

2007-07-10T11:26:00.001-04:00

Muse is always hanging in there, she never goes too far. She enjoys her sleep and awakens with lined up stars. Muse nestles in soft places and gets jostled by rude faces. She whispers in my ear and makes melodies of my tears. Muse likes to get drunk and act like a punk, she then bangs on my head and propels me from bed into the atmosphere. Muse says repeatedly so I will listen... "You lost the battle, Don't lose the lesson!"

Lighten Up, Little Sister

2007-07-09T20:05:00.000-04:00

Was talking to my sister, Wisha, today and telling her I was feeling more "optimistic" about things lately. She said she could not tell from my blog, because it has been rather "dark" lately. I guess I could see where she was coming from. Although, I have tried my best to lighten up, I guess it hasn't reflected in my journal. I know I have a tendency to write when I'm pissed off at the world or down in the dumps.

I will sweep away some of those dingy cobwebs from my dusty old blog and focus on the warm light that surrounds me. Ever since I stopped doing my writing job at night, I've been spending more time outside. Sunshine has been an ally in my quest for inner peace. My wonderful and generous comrades have been spending many days soaking up the Vitamin D with me. Three weekends in a row of fun! All Weekends should be as good as this past one was!

I kicked it off Friday night by going to the Whitney Museum to see the "Summer of Love" Exhibit with my surrogate mother, Ms. M, who pointed out pictures of events on the wall and wondered if she could find her face somewhere in the photos. She reminisced about the protest marches, the trippy concerts at the Avalon Ballroom and The Fillmore West and felt sad every time she saw a picture of Janice Joplin.

Ms. M lived a few blocks from Golden Gate Park during the LOVE movement and her tales made me feel closer to a past I merely romanticized about during my old life in San Francisco. She said they NEVER identified themselves as "Hippys". That was actually considered to be a derogatory term. I told her I could kind of relate. We never called ourselves "Ravers", we just liked to party and pretend we were children. After the exhibit, we had Thai food and girl-talked.

Saturday, my friends and I went to PS1 for the weekly Warm-up party. It was a complete blast as usual. We mingled on hammocks, took in some pretty decent modern art, drank beer and danced our fool heads off on the stairs overlooking the huge crowd. Fake rainstorms from the massive outside sculptures cooled us down during the heat of the afternoon. Hundreds of souls were there to get down. We have reached a new music era where the bands open up for DJs and people actually come to see the DJ, not the Rock Star. The Ex-"Raver" in me feels redeemed! Afterwards, we bought a new window AC unit and life is happy again in my old apartment.

On Sunday, we headed to Jacob Riis Beach. It's an island that's part of Queens. It used to be an old military base; now it's a national park and a really nice beach. The waves aren't impressive, but it's free to go to and only about an hour away from my apartment in Brooklyn. And also, further down the beach, just a little ways over from the family area, there's a topless beach and a safe haven for Gays. We spent a good three hours in the family area, got a lot of sun and managed to spend some quality time in the Atlantic Ocean. Later on that night, R cooked a gorgeous meal of white fish that we bought at the "G-store" but can't remember the name of. Then, on a coffee and marine high we cleaned house. See, I'm not always dark, Sister! I forget to write about the happy days sometimes. Thanks for the reminder!

This "One Thing"

2007-07-06T02:05:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep, maybe it is the massive electricity in the air or the Italian coffee I downed at 9:30pm tonight. The thunder seems to last forever. I'm always thinking and right now, I'm so close to things I can't actually reach at this moment. I'm trying to get out on the fire escape. It's so humid, I need a place to perch, but its precarious and wobbly.

What would I do if my visions don't come true? I can see them, but can they see me? Trying not to have expectations while delicately balancing hope and outright fear. So much depends on this one thing! So much being put off like air conditioning, furniture and makeup because of this one thing. I'm contemplating selling certain items that I'd rather never have to, like music, my soul and myself.

Thinking too much and trying to surrender. Mercury is in retrograde and nothing I say seems to come out right. All these important meetings happening while I can't make much sense of this barrage of electricity getting caught in my veins. They don't reach my fingertips. The current is vibrating in the area around my heart and my brain. It's fogged up from the random rain.

This one thing is aggravated by another thing. Its just one thing after another. That's life in the big city. Compression of self awareness. Competition for everything imaginable. I got away for a few days. I'm still relaxed from the ocean, but I'm also still swimming in waters too cold for the human body.

Today Sucked Ass! - 6.27.07

2007-06-28T03:42:00.000-04:00

It should have been such a fun day today, but my friend's car overheated on the way to the water park. Buzzkill! We were only ten miles from the joint, somewhere in ski country New Jersey! My friend put anti-freeze in the radiator and we got back on the road. Yippeeee!

A half of a block later, his car broke down again. We took it to a mush-mouth mechanic in some backwoods mountainside town. He only had a few teeth because apparently he didn't bother to brush them ever at all, I'm thinking. He was nice enough though. Anyway, my friend, who's a man, talked to him and asked if could get us a cab to leave it there and dash off to the park. I got out of the car all beachy with serious cleavage and asked him if he wouldn't mind taking a look right now. Breasts won this round! He stopped working on the car in the garage and told us to pull up next to it outside the garage. He said that there must have been an air bubble in the radiator plug and flushed it out with a bunch of water in a plastic pail. He seemed to have fixed it. They charged us $20 and we tipped him $10. A small triumph, we were only an hour off course, re-energized...

We were really on our way this time. No problems with the car, were two miles from the water park and distant clouds suddenly became massive thunderstorms. By the time we got to the water park, they shut the rides down and said they would reopen if the weather cleared up. It didn't, of course, and after thirty or so minutes of trying to be optimistic and still get wet standing in the rain, we decided to find an alternate plan. For some reason, bowling sounded really good so we used his GPS system to head over to Plan B...

Wouldn't you know it, the car overheated exactly one minute after we got on the road?! He basically spent the next few hours putting enough anti-freeze in the car to make it another few miles to get to his hometown. That lasted for hours! Finally got to his parents to do a car change and eat some yummy but rude Mediterranean food. He promised we'd go to the water park for real and soon, but next time with a working car and prior knowledge of the weather report.

So, no water park today for me, but, if you could believe it, the day actually got worse, much worse!!! My roommate and I got into a major confrontation with our landlord over the many things wrong with our crappy New York City apartment. That seemed to last an hour or more inside of our apartment which continued into our neighbor's apartment and back into our own. His wife joined in on the abusive broken-English Greek from the old country disaster which progressed into an outright attack where he told us to leave right now. Then, it decompressed into let's just fix this now and blah blag blah...

Today sucked major ass! A total letdown. Boooh!!! I would rather not be disappointed by people, cars and life in general but on days like this, its unavoidable. On days like this, nothing works. We really tried to unwind on a water slide in the middle of a work week. The whole incident with our landlord, well, that's never happened to me before luckily and I don't even want to think about what comes next. "Decisions, decisions, decisions to make."

Then, to drive the whole bad day suckage deeper home, I got into it with not one, but two other people I happen to like. One of whom, I'm pretty sure I've alienated myself from to the point of legendary awkwardness. The other one, well I might be able to remedy both, who knows. Life really is like a road trip, sometimes you just don't make it to the water park, no matter how hard you try.

"What do you want to do now?"

2007-06-28T03:41:00.000-04:00

"What do you want to do now?"

I just want to listen to the music and not a say a thing. I don't want to want anyone or anything more. I just aim to be content. I don't want to hurt, I just want to dance like no one can see me. Its more natural for me to listen to music than talk about myself. I'm so over it. I'm tired of putting on an excited face when all I need is an open space to walk with music in my ears. I got one chance and I can't wait to get back to being quiet again. Fixate on the timbre, intercept the lyricals. I've felt the impact of love, been deeply moved by great works of art, seen colors under the ocean that don't even look possible. I've noticed the kindness of a mother as she turns the fussiness of a child into a coo. I've seen so much so far and these moments flash through my mind, often with just a string of notes. Pure accident, bad timing, careless kisses, knowing glances, dreamy wishes, boredom, caring a little too much. Name it... its there! It's in there. It's all there. There's one place it will always be, its in my mind. I'm happy in this moment and I'm mellow under the flat beat. How lucky I am! Maybe I've moved too quickly and haphazard, maybe I am still just waiting for the next time, I can just be. The sentiment rules my soul and I can't let go because I like to feel more than anything else I do. I want to feel myself, even when its missing you, the you I do not know, the you I used to do, its easy, hear it, dwell on it, propel from it, even when its hard. I've open myself up and there was pain inside but I can access it.

"What do you want to do now?"
I want to listen to the music and shut up.

I tried.

2007-06-20T01:09:00.001-04:00

I tried to impress him but I couldn't think of anything to say. Wish I could have flipped the switch. Then we could hold hands like the lovebirds on the train. I tried to hold his hand but he squirmed like a kitten caught by the scruff of his neck. Wishing won't do much on the one hand. I tried to look away from him but I was mesmerized. I gave my time because its all I had. Then I absolved him. It was easier to forgive. I tried.

Soul Nourishment: Rhyme/Ode: MUSIC

2007-06-20T01:08:00.001-04:00

Mary J. Blige will be there for me when I need to be a strong girl. Massive Attack has taken me all around the world. Beastie Boys will always help me find my roots. If De La is playing, Tribe will follow suit. If I'm mellow I can always turn on Low or something else that's real real slow, like Sun Kil Moon or Bonnie "Prince" Billy. When I need to go home to Texas, I can always slip on Willy. I'm never ever on the fence as soon as I reminisce about Prince. There's always an artist of the day that rotates non-stop in my brain. And today while it rained, it was Nina. I leave it up to Mr. iPod and he went back to Fleetwood Mac, I got sentimental for so many reasons, thank G-d, the new shit brought me back. It was just something I never heard, but I got deep with every word. My music is my sanity, discovering more is salvation. I know some music which will nourish my soul in any given situation.

What a playa!

2007-06-10T04:44:00.000-04:00

Cornering bits of open space.
We got along very quickly.
But, I didn't like the way he looked at you.
Boldly stealing your likeness with his photographer eyes.
I felt inadaquate when he touched me and gazed at you.

What a playa!
"It's because he's a short man."
Another guy fits the stereotype I'd love to be wrong about.
You know, fucking people is not actually a sport, dude.
Most people are just too easy to read in close quarters.

Good Day in the Life of an Unemployed New Yorker

2007-06-10T04:42:00.002-04:00

Plot Points

-Walk to the Train in BKLN
-Subway across Manhattan Bridge
-Go and meet a cool ass recruiter
-Walk outside office and run into the Mitzva Mobile and get shabbos candles
-Walk crosstown and buy fruit and sushi from outside vendors
-Meet friend in Columbus Circle
-Picnic in the park
- girl talk-Look at boys flex muscles
-Go see a great movie
-Notice one of the actors from the movie checking out the crowd reaction to his movie
- give him the nod
-Go for a slice
- pass the salt w/ a napkin man
-Walk to the West Side Highway
-Watch the sunset

latent state...I'm still...

2007-06-10T04:42:00.001-04:00

I got a new computer but I still feel oppressed.
You say we got to change the world.
Where do we begin?
The first step on unsure footing.
It's not like I'm not listening.
Convertibility it not just the easy thing.
Its easy to fall into and strenuous to leap out of.
If timing were everything, where would we be in any other sliding door?
Soul sucking is just another excuse to be a survivor.
A philosophy of entropy, creativity is innate.
In its latent state...I'm still...

The Memory of Clothing

2007-06-10T04:39:00.000-04:00

The Memory of Clothing

There are memories associated with some of my clothes. I've washed them many times. Separated them by color tones and used fabric softener time and time again. Dried them according to durability. Tossed out items that no longer fit or don't serve any purpose for any season.

I have articles of clothing that I simply cannot part with. Pairs of panties associated with past loves. Shirts that old friends borrowed and came back with facets of their energy. Nothing can detach a memory. I remember what I was wearing when I first met some of the most important people from my past, from my present. I remember if I wore that skirt, I thought it would last.
On my way to a brand new adventure to a place of many attachments. Maybe its not the wardrobe or the person, but its the sense memory... Just in case, I'm going shopping today! The future is yet to be written, with new garments yet to be worn. I can make new memories and reminisce with new clothing.

"Does she think I'm cool?"

2007-05-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

One of my five nieces, Talia, came to New York to visit both me and her old babysitter. I got two nights with her and I spent the whole time wondering, does she think I'm cool? She's nine years old and all I wanted to do was make her happy, but I couldn't get much of a reaction out of her. She's really mellow. I acknowledged that we are related after I finally pried the information out of her that Mexican food is indeed her favorite cuisine. She totally loves my cat but does she love me? I'm the oddball of the family, I guess that's part of my angst.

After a ridiculously long Sunday subway ride, we got out and saw the beginning of Central Park and then took a bicycle taxi to our intended destination. Even though the driver was lightly creepy, she enjoyed the ride outside. We both dug the Hall of Minerals in the Museum of Natural History, although the giant dinosaur bones didn't do it for her, I was still amused. She remarked several times that it was just like the movie. A small triumph on my quest for cool aunt domination.

Then, on a high from the hot dog stand, I screwed up the timing of "The Lion King" which I had will call tickets to but the wrong time in my head. Agonizing from the knowledge of letting her down, I acted quickly and bought tickets to another show. I think "The Pirate Queen" bored her in part, but she loved Times Square and I got to be the one that showed it to her first, just like her older sister, I had the privilege of showing her the most famous part of Midtown New York City. I feel lucky that I am that Auntie. I still can't get over how much I wanted to impress her. What does that say about me that I value being cool so much? Hrmmm...

Irony is the new knickname I've been given

2007-05-23T13:52:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling tired and ridiculous. What am I doing in these uncharted waters? I have a knack for placing hope into people and things where I should just give up. A stubborn kid, I need to live, better. The place I've been taught to call my heart is playing cruel games of paddywack behind my back and out of reach. Consumed by the dream, I am surrounded by people living this simple plan, that I have never been able to attain, but I understand. Do I choose wrong or does wrong choose me? I actually do want to be happy, which is why I can't excuse myself or walk away. Which is why blind faith plagues my stay, in life.

I woke up this morning to the sound of calm silence. On my own without an alarm clock or a man snoring next to me. The thing I remember when I drifted off to sleep last night was my image of you. I might write about this longing every day till I see his face and not so secretly wish to fail. Defeat might even be easier then importing the object of my affection. How can I be addicted to the idea of you and the sound of something special I have never held. I have unfinished business on the other side of the continent.

Irony is the new knickname I've been given. She said it was because of my Jewish tattoos, but she has no idea how true that really is. I am a walking talking irony machine, a rebel with traditional dreams. A lover of New York and as far away from California as I can be. An old love I never fought for and a new love I melt my heart for. I am clearly not meant to live the life of normalcy. I deserve better. I'm loyal to a fault and in a heartbeat, I walked away, farther than anyone I've ever known, but I look back all the time. An old friend said he didn't believe in regrets and I wish I could do the same.

I woke up this morning missing someone I hardly know. I'm in my thirties now. It's supposed to be easier at this point. But it gets harder on a daily basis to balance the needs and desires of a fully formed adult with lifetimes of experience under my belt. Its always been my way, the hard way. Why can't I just choose the path of least resistance? I want what I can't have. I even find a way to make more of that, daily...

"I Have to Believe" (A Song in Progress)

2007-05-23T13:37:00.000-04:00

"I Have to Believe" (Song in Progress)
Music -Yamaha DD-20 set to 55 -1st string power chord - dot to dot to dot.

I have to believe
In something I can't see
Like faith in the name
I love someone I can't touch
People have their doubts
I know how it seems
I find you
Inside of me
Beside me is only air
But I believe

Grudge-Free

2007-05-23T13:36:00.001-04:00

For no specific reason I am aware of, today I stopped being angry with XXXX. I am no longer living with hatred flowing through my body and that makes me feel quite liberated. I actually wanted to call him to tell him, but I erased his phone number over a year ago.
I called our two mutual friends to see if I could get his number and they didn't pick up. I acted with immediacy. It was a Saturday night, you'd think one of them would get curious by my random phone call, no such luck. So, I sent an e-mail...

Bender of Bad and a Cycle of Stupid

2007-05-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

One day in my early 20's, upon realization of some tattoos and piercings, my mom asked me why I didn't love myself. She said that she must have failed me because she didn't instill self-love. That really got to me! I can still remember it as one of those random moments, where my mother, who walks to the beat of her own drummer, imparted deep wisdom upon me. Like an alcoholic miner, this wildly original person I call my mother will randomly mine nuggets of clarity.

Upon reflection of this maternal epiphany I want to say, I do love myself. Not every waking moment of the day and not even daily, but I'm feeling me. Sometimes, I can't love me, so I go into self-destructive mode. It's not like I want to die, I love living, its just that I want to punish myself for something I'm not even aware of. I probably just need a good spanking.

That matriarchal memory although unfresh is in my mind again because I've been going through one of those phases. "I am a rebel" (Dotty!) I don't need to make that declaration, argh...although at times it lies dormant, it will never fade away. I was raised by rebels, its innate, a fundamental part of my personality. At times, I may quell my "alternative" lifestyle in order to live my own version of a "normal" American life. Then, like that, I go on a Bender of Bad and a Cycle of Stupid.

These collisions with self-hatred take on many forms. Today, I'm unable to access my true heart's desire, so in the mean time, the void gets filled thru a corrosive manner. I'm not out to broadcast the specifics of my behavior, but I'm taking note. This is not a plea for help, not one bit, so don't take it like dat! Its more like a recognition that I'm going through a phase and "this too shall pass."

high heels and determination / Pining like Daniel Johnston

2007-05-13T20:46:00.001-04:00

I'm a shorty, in the short person sense, and I have always asked someone taller than me to change a bulb once it burns out. Normally I get a man to change the light bulb in the ceiling fixtures where ever I live. Today, I decided I needed to do it myself. Climbed on top of the step ladder to the highest point and got on my tippy toes. Shaking, I saw a vision of the glass shattering and cutting me to shreds. Then as I thought about my bare feet, I had a stroke of genius. I put on a pair of heels and got back on that step ladder. A few inches of height made the difference between trembling ankles and empowered light change. I realized I don't need a taller person to change my light source when it goes out, I just need determination! (and high heels)

Pining like Daniel Johnston (short)

Not a drop to drink,
but I am intoxicated.
Itchy, I cannot reach you.
Pining like Daniel Johnston.

Girl Talk / Taking a Minute

2007-05-13T20:45:00.000-04:00

girl-talk

We were having girl-talk and my crush was the topic on the table. What fun!!! Crushing on a boy and scheming with the girls... I needed some advise... Sexy boys make me nervous. I can usually form complete sentences except when I want someone. Then, I get shy, or say something stupid or boring. Ugh... Erg... My power gets taken away by my pheromone nose. I wish I could just be cool, instead of saying silly stuff or saying nothing at all.

Taking a minute

Ripening with every season
Standing in one place Leaping head-first
Looking like an optimist
Overlooking the pitfalls
Throwing out the musty bags
Clearing up my vision
Everything is romantic in this process
Mistakes make wisdom from experience
Taking a minute and many more...

Move, Bitch... .17. (4.17.07)

2007-05-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

1. Gainesborough Dr. - Born and raised - San Antonio, TX
2. College Dorm - w/ Laura BFF - San Marcos, TX
3. Behind Churchill - w/ Leslie - San Antonio, TX
4. Kibbutz Na'an - w/ everyone - Rehovot - Israel
5. Kibbutz Harel - w/ Carly and everyone else - Israel
6. Gainesborough Dr. - Home - San Antonio, TX
7. Leigh, Alamo Apt. - w/ Terrett - San Antonio, TX
8. Taos Coop - my own room - w/ everyone - Austin, TX
9. Janice Joplin's old apt building w/ Julie and Raquel/Terrett - Three Bedroom - Austin, TX
10. Riverside Dr., Modern Student Ghetto - w/ Laura - Austin, TX
11. Hyde Park - One Bedroom Apt. - Austin, TX
12. Balboa - The Richmond - Spanish-style - w/ Steve - San Francisco, CA
13. Guerrero - Condo - Mission/Castro - w/ Aaron - San Francisco, CA
14. Marseilles - Little Argentina - w/ Terrett - Miami, FL
15. Washington Heights - Pre-war - w/ Cali/Celina - New York, NY
16. Harlem - HighRise - w/ Drew - New York, NY
17. BROOKLYN, NY...